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A Time When I Blew It


Yesterday I became the problem.

I wrote this blog post, in an effort to call out a large number of white people claiming that the black student thrown to the ground in her classroom this week somehow deserved what she got simply because she was being “disrespectful”. This clearly was code to me, exposing their privilege and hidden or undetected racism and I attempted to call their bluff; to follow their chosen line of thinking and illustrate the ridiculousness of it all. My intent was to show them that even if it was all about a teenager’s conduct that the officer’s actions were totally unmerited.

I missed the mark.

When some well-intentioned people of color shared their hearts via social media on both the situation and my words about that situation, I reacted poorly. In my haste to not be that guy, I tried to justify my position or to tell people why my words didn’t mean what they said those words meant or shut down conversation with strangers because it was uncomfortable and I felt backed into a corner.

This was simply wrong. I spoke quickly and listened poorly. I worried more about my feelings that another’s, which I continually warn people against. My rationale was that blocking people would prevent unproductive public shouting matches, but didn’t realize that this was silencing people who wanted and deserved to be heard, even if it was difficult for me.

My heart as a pastor has always been to build a fully diverse, absolutely inclusive Church where all people are equally heard and valued and celebrated. Being a straight, white guy that often puts me in the precarious place of trying to speak in support of communities that I am not directly part of or whose feelings I may not fully understand, even while making every effort to. Yesterday when I was told I was wrong in my assessment or in my choice of language by people of color, instead of hearing them I ended up trying to tell them why they had me all wrong, which is regrettable.

Words are powerful and dangerous, in both wonderful and terrible ways.

Though I struggle daily to make sure I am speaking solely for myself as someone who loves the LGBTQ community and people of color and women, and who believes fully in the inherent beauty in them all, I know that many times I can appear instead to be one speaking for these communities. It’s difficult and painful to hear when I get it wrong because it has the least desired result of any: marginalized people feel more marginalized and talked over people feel more talked over.

Yesterday I felt mischaracterized and wrongly labeled from a distance, and even though that shouldn’t have been what the conversation was about, I made it about that in the moment because well, it hurts to feel like you’re not being seen or heard. (Believe me the irony of that statement is not lost on me.)

As I shared with someone who tried to speak into this yesterday, I greatly desire to do good things with my life, ministry, and platform and regret that I became part of the problem.

I’ve certainly never viewed myself as the Great White Savior of any minority people group, but have always tried to simply be a good friend to those groups and a source of support and encouragement through my writing and ministry. There are many days where this gets lost in translation and there’s nothing I can do about it–except of course listen, which is what I should have done yesterday.

I apologize to those who were damaged by my words or my conduct over the past few hours, or well in the past for that matter. I hope that there can be forgiveness or at least an openness to walk with me as I learn and grow. I desire today to be a better pastor, better listener, and better friend to you moving forward. I’ll surely keep speaking boldly into injustice and racism and bigotry and homophobia where I see it, but will allow others to give me eyes that I don’t and can’t have to see what I miss.

I really blew it yesterday, but fortunately according to the clock I’ve been blessed with a new day.

I’ll give it a go and hope by nightfall I get it more right than wrong, and then I’ll do it all over again tomorrow, God willing.

I hope you’ll walk with me.

Thanks for listening, friends, and for mercy and forgiveness where you feel compelled to offer them.

Be encouraged.

 

 

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