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How Love Wins: Moms of LGBTQ Children Share Their Stories, Part 1

One of my great joys is serving as honorary pastor for a private Facebook group of thousands of moms with LGBTQ children. These amazing women (who refer to themselves as “Mama Bears”) are from all places along the theological spectrum, an all walking out their own amazing stories of trying to love their children well.

Instead of me talking about them, I thought I’d let you hear from them. I asked them a simple question, and here were there responses:

What is the greatest/most important lesson you’ve learned since beginning this journey with your child(ren)?

 

That God can handle my anger; not my anger for having a non-binary child, but my anger at Him for the loss of space in His church and my anger at his children who spew hatred, cast judgmental looks, or who offer lukewarm love and acceptance. And not only can He handle my anger, He loves me and stands next to me faithfully (even when I have my back to Him, arms crossed and broken).

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That I need to constantly practice love for my fellow humans, never assuming anything.

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That it’s important to speak your heart. You never know who needs to hear what you’re saying.

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That I am much stronger than I thought I was.

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That love is truly stronger than hate, and fear.

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I’ve also learned how hateful many Christians sound when speaking about this. Now that it is on my radar, I am deeply saddened at what I hear people saying; people who call themselves Christians!

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That I can stand up to bigots and bullies and nothing truly terrible will happen.

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I’ve learned that you can’t put God in a nice tidy black and white box. Living life in a black and white world may seem easier, knowing everything with much certainty may feel much more steady, but the real world of God is rainbow-colored and so much bigger than I ever dreamed. Feeling unsure and questioning is okay.

You won’t get struck down.

That there is a whole world of people who love God and are wonderful “Christians” who may not believe exactly the same as I was taught. I learned how to love fully!!! I learned that I was living in such a small comfy world and I was missing out on so much life!!!!! My gay kids have opened my “box” and I am now living in a beautiful rainbow-colored world!!!

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I learned to be more compassionate. I learned so much more about the Bible that I would have never have discovered. I learned that being gay is not a sin at all.

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When our son came out to us I told him that I did not understand why God would make him gay and that it made me angry with God. My son said maybe God made him gay so that I would learn tolerance & love. It took me a while but maybe there is some truth to this, I will never really know. But I do know that I believe God picked my husband and myself to be his parents so that he would have loving, accepting parents even though he is gay. I find this a gift from God and love my son with all my heart.

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That it gets better. It really does.

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That the truth will set you free.

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Even though I have always considered myself an ‘ally’ even before my son came out to us, even though I’ve always tried to speak up positively and lovingly in Bible studies when ‘homosexuality’ came up (I find I hate this word now because I’ve heard it used negatively SO much), even though I went to seminary and tried to study in depth the clobber verses—I knew NOTHING really until it was my own kid. My dear friends who just happen to be gay, I’m more in debt to them than I can possibly express in words. I’m in debt to them because if they hadn’t been able/willing to live authentic lives while being friends with my naive self, I might not be the mom I am today to my son. When my son came out to me, I phoned my best friend from my seminary time who happens to be gay, and asked her, “I told him I love him just the way he is. Now what? What do I do?” In short, I quickly learned that my educated self isn’t really that educated.

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It’s not about me. I know that sounds selfish but the dreams I had for my son have now become “how will my trans daughter be able to make it in a world that is not accepting”. How will she deal with discrimination that will follow her all her life?

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I’ve learned more about myself than anything, how wrong I was, how self-righteous I was, how fallible I was. I’m a much better person now.

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That gay people are just people, and that my gay kid is just a kid, fundamentally no different from my two straight kids.

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The best gift we can give our kids is to love them for exactly who they are. I’ve spoken at lots of church conferences advocating for LGBT folks, and it breaks my heart to hear the stories of how parents have tried to change their kids. Gay men in their 40s have said to me, “I wish you were my mom.” It moves me to tears, but it makes me sad. I wouldn’t change a thing about my son. I adore having a gay son. Love our kids. It’s just that simple.

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 I’ve learned that the Holy Spirit is my comforter and I don’t need to have all the answers, but I do have peace like never before.

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Humility. I’ve learned lots about humility. And I’m much less judgmental.

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That everyone is created equal.

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I’ve learned not to judge people (most of the time anyway) because I don’t know what motivates their behavior. Because of my unconditional love for my kids, it has made me see God more as a loving parent, than a judge.

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That I’m never sure about anything anymore and that’s a good place to be, because black and white ‘living’ was an illusion; and that my love for my child and other people’s children is the strongest force imaginable.

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 I’ve learned the most important thing in the world really IS to love one another.

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I knew almost before my son could really talk that he was different. Around 3 or 4 I realized that he was probably gay. At the age of 12 he finally told me. Luckily my whole family has been nothing but supportive and loving and accepting of him. As I grew in my faith and went on this journey with my son I realized that our God is a loving God, who loves everyone! I learned that our God knew who my son was before I knew and therefore he was always loved and accepted in the eyes of God I also learned that not everyone sees this love and that even in s world full of love there is still so much hatred and judgment.

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I have learned that God has no limitations. And He doesn’t need Christians to save the world for him. He just needs us to love and trust Him to do the rest….. And also that I don’t like “Christians” all that much….sigh.

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That new information might take a bit to process, but it’s never the end of the world, and that knowing something new about my kid doesn’t change who she is or how I love her.

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Let her know she has a safety net: me.

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That I am not in control of anything—and that’s Ok.

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I have learned that I used to be in a little box, judging anyone outside my box. Now I live in an unlimited space, no judgment (at least that is what I strive for). My life experiences have expanded and I have met the most wonderful amazing LGBT people and allies I would never have dared to meet if my children were not gay/trans.

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Humility, unconditional love. Letting go of control. LOVE.

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Be patient with yourself and your child’s journey. It is a process of education and understanding for both of you. Forgive yourself for things you may have done or said when all of this was new to you.

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I’ve learned to listen.

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To listen without agendas. That my child’s journey is theirs and that it’s a privilege to be invited to be a part of it.

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That my son’s coming out has been my greatest blessing. Otherwise I would still be a close minded fire and brimstone preaching evangelical Christian. Now, I am an open-minded loving, non-judgmental and affirming Christian.

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What unconditional love really means. I knew I loved my kids unconditionally but was so saddened to see that one of my own parents really didn’t have that for me or my children. But I also unlearned a belief that I needed that person.

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I’ve learned to seek to understand vs. trying to be understood.

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 #lovewins

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 That God is much bigger than what I had believed. That I don’t have to have everything figured out; just love like Jesus did.

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Definitely learned to love whole heartedly and I’m still amazed by my bravery standing up for my daughter. 

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 How amazed I am by her bravery! How amazed I am by a big and mighty God able to handle big and mighty things.

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How to love and give out grace by the bucketful to those who aren’t ready yet to open their hearts to this.

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The Christian world with all of its hate and judgment says, ” it’s them or us.” Well I’ve learned on this very difficult journey that there is only “us”. I truly understand and it’s so clear now;the Cross, all are included and welcomed, it’s not behavior modification but a heart transformation. The Grace of God has been freely given. I’ve learned to LOVE well. I want my son and his friends to see a Christian who can love them and see them as Christ does. His beautiful children. So when hate, judgement, and rejection comes from friends or family, I have learned to keep my eyes on Jesus because he will never leave me nor forsake me. 

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It has explained some of the behaviour and events that happened in the past, and why certain things happened as they did.

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The unconditional love of my friends.

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True love.

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I learned that I’m not alone and that there are so many amazing moms, parents, and kids going through the same stuff. We have each other!

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I’ve learned that questioning and studying is a GOOD thing; that my daughter is one of the bravest people I know; and that I dearly love these “different”, amazing kids and will fight for them!

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I have learned who our true friends are.
What it means to truly fear for your child’s safety.
That most people are just completely ignorant, because they have never been exposed to this experience. They rarely mean to be so rude, hurtful or demeaning—they just don’t have a clue. Many have been blinded by rhetoric and ritual. 
I have learned that the heart knows no bounds and love is limitless. 
Mostly I have learned that I am one of the lucky ones.

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I have always been open and affirming long before I knew one of my kids was gay-but I learned how judge mental and hateful I have been in other, equally harmful ways. I have been able to truly see both sides of many different issues and truly feel broken-hearted and compassionate toward SO many people. My son coming out has brought out some of the best things I have been carrying along with me but loving him has given me the balls to love everyone more deeply and fully. _____________________

There is a lot of grey in our black and white world. It’s not as easy as “because the Bible tells me so” anymore.

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That my daughter is exactly the same person that she was before she came out. And that Christianity (particularly Catholicism) is profoundly disappointing. But I can deal with it all!

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All of the above! And I will kick some hiney if needed to protect my kids!!

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I’ve learned to love more.

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I have learned so much, but the most important is that God doesn’t make mistakes, He loves everyone! We are to love everyone as well.

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That a PFLAG meeting is more genuine, accepting and “connected” than any church service I’ve ever attended.

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I have learned that the lessons I needed to learn, although very hard, have been made easier, richer and more deeply felt than I ever would have thought, because of these special ladies in this group. I know in my heart that love wins, but not necessarily in our time. The pain we share is carried by many others for us.

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That the Bible magnifies the mysteries of God, that I do not have all the answers about God or the Bible, and I am very peaceful with my mantra to love and not judge and accept God’s mysteries.

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That it’s not my journey.

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I’ve learned that everyone matters. Everyone deserves to be seen and heard. I’ve learned to go overboard with kindness towards strangers because I never know what they are struggling with in the moment. I look at the young, homeless men and wonder if they are veterans or LGBTQ who were kicked out of their homes. I learned I can fully trust that still, small voice that has guided me through so much. I’ve learned I am much angrier than I knew towards those kind of Christians who cause so much pain. And I learned how much I needed support and to be heard when I thought I had it all together.

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That even though I’m strong, I’m weak. That the impossible is possible.

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That there’s a big wide world beyond my comfort zone. That it’s less important to feel safe, than it is to be a safe place for others. Especially my kids. That I am a hair-trigger away from some crazy-ass mama bear anger. That the mama bear in me is fierce enough and loving enough to encompass entire communities (still figuring out what to do with that).

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 I have learned that trying to control every situation is absolutely RIDICULOUS. Life is SO much better since letting go!

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That what my son has tried to tell me all along is what matters. He loves us, knows we love him.

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 I thought I knew the grace of Christ. I had no clue.

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I have learned just how strong my bond is with my daughter. It is a wonderful thing. 

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How deeply I love my kids for exactly who they are and how deeply Jesus loves them too. This journey has definitely been hard sometimes, but there have also been blessings I wouldn’t trade for anything. I see things differently than I did before and believe God has shown us His truth:)

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Everything will be okay. When I told my husband about our daughter being bisexual, I was upset and he said ” it is what it is, it doesn’t change anything”. Great words of logical wisdom from my engineering husband!

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Never to judge ANYONE!

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The power of story and authenticity.

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That there will be people who say they are accepting and affirming, but aren’t; that there will be those who surprise you with their love and support. Let the first group go, and hold tight to the ones who support your child.

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That my view of God and our world was way too small!

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I learned that my relationship with my son, was far more important than anything I thought or believed about homosexuality.

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The opposite of love isn’t always hate … sometimes it is indifference or silence or polite but meaningless interaction.

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That I was ignorant! And life is so much better now that I know that my world is no longer black and white…. but instead very, very colorful. I just needed to open my eyes and see the beautiful colors that show LOVE… they way Jesus loves.

 

Read Part 2 HERE.

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