Dear Former Faith,
You caught me by surprise today.
Some old photos popped up on my timeline and there you were. There we were. I hadn’t realized how long it had been since we’d been together. Man, we were so young. Those were really good times: youth group meetings, church trips, weekly Bible studies.
Things seemed so much simpler back then. It was easy to believe everything you said just because you said it. I just trusted blindly. Some days I miss that about myself, how naive and innocent I was.
As I thought about those days I found myself trying to figure out exactly where we went wrong, as if there was a day or a moment I could pinpoint that would explain how it all went sideways for us. For a minute or so nostalgia got the better of me, and I started to wonder if I hadn’t made a mistake moving on. I missed the me I was in the photos. I missed us.
But then I started to remember things. There were reasons we drifted apart; a steady accumulation of tiny fractures over time. Questions mounted, doubts creeped in, new experiences came—and gradually I just became a different person.
For a long time I tried to hold it all together, because after all we’d been through leaving felt like admitting defeat. I knew that the separation was going to change everything and that was terrifying. So many people were so happy for us and rooting for us. I didn’t want to let them down. I didn’t want to fail.
So I compromised and played the part and I soldiered on. I pushed down all the questions and ignored the changes in me and I acted like everything was fine. I was doing the best I knew to do at the time, but looking back all that hiding did was prolong the inevitable. I wish I’d been braver. I wish I’d said everything earlier.
As I looked at those old pictures of us today, I realized that for so many reasons I couldn’t go back even if I wanted to. I’ve just seen too much, walked through too much. The me in those photos is gone.
I have a very different faith now and things are—complicated. I certainly have my trust issues and I’m a lot more cautious than I used to be, but I get to be myself and that truth really does set you free. I don’t hide anymore.
I don’t hold any animosity toward you, in fact I’m grateful for our time together because it brought me here, and this is the only place I can be right now.
I just wanted to say thanks for those days and to make sure you knew how much I appreciate them, even today. Most of the time I still smile when I see those photos.
And I know it sounds cliché, but I wanted to make sure you knew that our separation, it really wasn’t you—it was me.
