We regret to inform you that as of today, your services are no longer required.
As will happen, changes have occurred in recent months that have now rendered many of your past duties obsolete:
- Empathy is no longer deemed necessary, and so loving your neighbor as yourself is a rather wasteful use of current resources and manpower.
- Turning the other cheek has proven not to be measurably profitable, and we have eliminated it from our Strategic Plan for the coming four years.
- We have drastically reduced funding on your earlier initiatives of Compassion, Diversity, and Equality, and will instead be focusing on the more lucrative Fear, Exclusion, and Discrimination programs, which polls indicate our dwindling base prefers.
- We’ve also made large cuts to the Loving The Least initiative you originally spearheaded, and allocated these funds to our popular Pull Yourself Up By Your Own Bootstrap campaign.
- Also, given your Middle Eastern upbringing we feel the need to distance ourselves from your image, as our predominately white core audience is uncomfortable with the problematic associations it conveys in this current climate.
As you know, the American people have been choosing our services less and less in recent years, and we need to maximize the smaller market share we now occupy in both the Bible and Rust Belts. President-Elect Trump gives us the best opportunity to do this, and as his vision and yours are so incompatible, we feel it is best to sever ties and retrofit our programs to better align as to be on message with him.
As a result of the these and other factors, we are moving in another direction and are hereby eliminating your position, effective on the 20th.
We will still continue with some of the projects you spearheaded, namely the sunday morning worship services which are still profitable for us, though instead of prominently featuring God So Loved the World, these will now be used to showcase our Make America Great Again campaign which is testing well with our target audience.
We will still prominently display the Cross of course, as this is continues to be a powerful and lucrative branding tool with our customers, especially combined with the American Flag and the TRUMP name. We’ll also continue to lobby for your name to remain on our currency, for obvious reasons.
We will continue to selectively use the Scriptures, as they remain invaluable in our efforts to minimize the problematic communities; LGBT, people of color, women, non-Christians, to name a few.
And we’ll continue to aggressively showcase the Altar Call/Sinner’s Prayer/Salvation from Hell initiative, as those nicely undergird our Sin Management, Fear Leverage, and Damnation initiatives, which are still cornerstones of our organization and remain great membership drivers and income generators.
Your past two thousand years of faithful service are greatly appreciated, and to show our gratitude for your contributions we will still mention you as we gather for an hour on Sundays, but beyond that you will not be necessary. As our new boss Mr. Trump likes to say—You’re fired.
We wish you luck with your future endeavors, and trust you will have great success elsewhere, perhaps in the Progressive Church or even the secular field, where your brand of social justice is still a core value.
Warmest Regards and God Bless,
American Evangelical Christianity