All’s fair in love and real estate…
My wife and I recently spent ten hours over the past two days looking for a new home, as we prepare to relocate across the state.
We’d done hours of advance research, looked at dozens of homes online, and viewed literally hundreds of photos in preparation for our visit.
We both verbally listed our likes, needs, desires, hopes, and our “non-negotiables”, and together, we knew exactly what we were looking for as we set-out.
With the help of our realtor, we had plotted a whirlwind tour across the area, armed with caffeine, detailed info sheets, and the sweet yet naive hope, that we would find that once-in-a-lifetime, ideal place to spend our next season as a family.
Though we started out the day optimistically enough, about 4 hours into our excursion, we slowly but decidedly felt the wind leaving our sails; that slippery, elusive wind called perfection.
As we entered home after home, no matter how much there was to love, there was always some seemingly major negative that popped-up; a miniscule yard, a garish flooring choice, (or the revelation of the bedroom being a previous murder site), that came in and gave us pause; pulling the rug (or linoleum) out from under us, and stealing our enthusiasm.
And every time it happened, we’d say, “OK, we’ll see what else we see”, as if the coming option would be that magical holy grail of space, and neighborhood, and beauty, and affordability that would provide for us a dream home for the forseeable future.
And yet with each new house we visited, the flaws again surfaced, and each time, we would once again look to next for hope.
At one point I laughed and looked at my wife and said, “You know, this is the way most people look for a mate.”
We often begin our searches for both spouse and house the same way; as if perfection is perfectly reasonable.
We create an impossible, unattainable image in our minds that we desperately want to make real, and so we chase it, and we chase it, and we chase it some more.
We set-out on our journey with our lists of measurable needs, intangible dreams, and rigid deal-breakers, and even when things look promising, the moment a flaw of any kind surfaces, (and it always does), we lose interest, lose heart, or are easily tempted to look to other, newer options; unaware yet of the waiting imperfections that close inspection always brings.
And so sometimes the search drags on and on far too long, not because there isn’t anything beautiful and wonderful that crosses our paths, but because we are on a self-imposed hold; perpetually waiting for some singular, once-in-creation match, when the truth is, that ain’t happenin’.
In fact, many times, we convince ourselves that we have high standards, when what we really have is an inability to do the work that comes with being in relationship with flawed partners.
Whether you’re shopping for a place to live, or someone to live life with, peace ultimately comes with the realization that this search isn’t as much about the candidates, as it is about you; about your willingness to accept the inherent imperfections of life, and your ability to commit to loving through them.
WARNING: The myth of a “soul mate”, is as dangerous and foolish as the myth of a dream home. Both straddle us with the impossible task of trying to navigate almost countless options, to find that one, singular, needle-in-a-haystack match that we’re supposedly meant to find, or be relegated to an inferior or counterfeit happiness.
But the truth is, we aren’t being asked to do that.
Marriage, and homeownership are both a decision to come, to remain, and to endure; to celebrate what is there to be nurtured, and to discard the illusions of perfection that can distract or disappoint.
Finding a home, or a partner for life, is about as much about the choice, is it is about the chosen.
Happy hunting!
