Way back in the Middle Ages when I was teenager, when I would say something particularly disrespectful or snarky to my mom, (which sadly, looking back, was far too frequently), she would always make the same statement:
“You don’t talk to me like that… I’m not one of your friends.”
At the time, it was just one of those countless annoying things teens hear their parents say in times of conflict, that simply tick them off even more, usually because they have the stinging ring of truth. (In my case, it was like dealing with some female, Italian, Roman Catholic, Yoda).
But as a 16-year Youth Ministry veteran; one whose had to help thousands of families navigate all kinds of damaging, crippling conflict, those words are as wise today, as they are rare.
My mother was expressing something to me, with complete and definitive clarity: She was not my friend. She was different from my classmates and teammates and neighborhood pals.
She was on a whole ‘nother level.
It’s a sentiment that far too many parents have either lost touch with, or simply abandoned altogether.
In an effort to find common ground, to be seen as relatable, to feel younger, or to avoid the tough work of consistently disciplining their children, more and more Moms and Dads are approaching their kids as their peers, rather than as their parents.
They’ve sacrificed Authority on the altar of Cool.
This line is extremely difficult to straddle for adults, I realize, blurred by all kinds of internal and external stuff; parents staying younger and healthier longer; the continual, informal interaction with their kids on social media; and teenagers and pre-teens who are growing-up far too fast, and who are looking, acting, and talking like adults much too soon.
But probably at the heart of this all, is a parent’s beautiful, often desperate desire to keep a connection with their kids as they approach the communication chasm that is adolescence.
As the words and affection become more infrequent, the emotional distance seems to grow daily, and the once clingy, kissey, communicative dependent child, gets replaced by a taller, moodier, silent stranger, who’d rather do just about anything than hang out with you.
Here’s the problem though, Moms and Dads: Your kids don’t need any more friends. They have dozens of them, (heck, hundreds, if we’re to believe their profile pages). They go from school, to their computers, to the mall; all the while, surrounded by people their age who can provide companionship, social connections, and community, all of which are great and necessary.
However, what they can’t get from any of those people, are the things that only you can provide; firm, consistent discipline, authority earned by a lifetime of presence, and the wise, powerful, protecting love that is unique to a parent.
Friends rarely give correction or bring any real accountability, because there’s no real distance between them. That distance is a product of age, and experience, and perspective, and it’s that distance you have as Mom or Dad, that’s your children’s greatest asset and help, (even though they may not realize it at the time).
In your desire to be cool, or relevant, or relatable, remember; you are the only one on the planet uniquely qualified to be your child’s parent, and that’s the number one reason you’re there.
Often, you have to be the bad guy, you have to bring the hammer down, and you have to remind them that you’re on a much higher plane than their Friends and Followers list.
Of course as your child grows, your conversations and your relationship will naturally evolve. You will relate on new and deeper levels, and some of the distance between you will decrease, but until they’re out of the house and have created a life that they alone support, embrace the truth that they need you to be Mom or Dad first, and buddy or pal, second.
My mother was right; she wasn’t one of my friends, and thank God for that. My friends often encouraged and contributed to my stupidity and poor decisions, rather than alter them.
Moms and Dads, one day you may have adult children who may come to see you as a friend and peer, but right now… don’t be afraid to unfriend your teenager.
