For years, it’s been fashionable for pastors to gloat about their wives’ attractiveness on social media.
The “My wife is hot” refrain has become so common in modern Church World, that it’s now almost expected that men in ministry regularly Tweet about their sexy spouses, and about their crazy, mad, wild desire for said sexy spouses.
I’m not sure what this is supposed to prove, and I’m not sure what it’s supposed to accomplish.
If these men are intending to declare their attraction to their wives for their wives’ benefit, wouldn’t they be better served by speaking these ideas to them directly, rather than about them to hundreds, perhaps, thousands of followers, friends, coworkers, and virtual strangers?
Does this kind sexualized shout-out create marital intimacy?
Does it really positively impact a woman’s self-worth or self-image?
Is this actually something the wives of pastors are genuinely encouraged by, or is this more about the pastors themselves? (More on that in a bit).
And if the intention is to model some sort of faithfulness and commitment to the watching world, (a sort of “teachable moment”), are we supposed to believe that 140 characters or a sweet status update ever insured marital fidelity?
Do any of us expect ministers on the verge of, or currently mired in, unfaithfulness to post, ‘My wife is unappealing to me, and I’m having an emotional affair with a member of the congregation?’
Of course not.
So many times though, this kind of marital exhibitionism isn’t proof of fidelity, but rather, a mask covering indiscretions, or a deflection from marital dissatisfaction. Lots of pastors have publicly expressed devotion to their wives, only to morally crumble soon afterward.
All too often, one of the lessons these statements teach, is that you can talk all you want on social media, but your life behind the keyboard can tell a very different story, and for pastors, it’s the man behind the keyboard that really counts.
Ultimately I’m not convinced that pastors talk about how hot they think their wives are, for their wives’ benefit, and I’m not convinced it’s all about cheerleading for Monogamy to the flock either.
I think many pastors are regularly broadcasting their supposed marital urges, so that we’ll all “see” how faithful and devoted they are; how young and virile they are, and how together their marriage is.
It’s all about perception-mangement, reputation-building, and self-promotion, disguised as spousal adoration.
These pastor’s marriages, and more specifically, their bedrooms, have become virtual trophy cases; part of their “perfect life” resume; one designed to place a greater focus on themselves, and increase their street creed with the Sunday church crowd.
Pastors, when you continually use your spouses as promo material, I think most of you don’t realize some very important things:
– Your wife isn’t a sex object…unless of course you let us all know that she most certainly is one. I recently saw a pastor call his wife “sexy” to all of his Facebook followers, (with an accompanying photo), and I wondered if he realized he was pretty-much inviting all the men on his Newsfeed to look at her this way as well. His words were actually framing his wife through the lens of physical attractiveness and “hotness”, and letting everyone feel free to do the same.
– If you’re married, we expect that you’re hot for your wife. It really doesn’t elevate you in anyone’s eyes to tell us about your “smokin’ hot wife”, or how she turns you on. You’re married. If you ain’t hot for what you got, that’s a you problem. Physical attraction for your wife should be a given, that really never needs to be said to anyone else but her.
– Your wife should be for you, the object of lots of things; including respect, admiration and gratitude. To primarily lift up her physical appearance, (or even your reaction to it), reduces your wife to a pastoral accessory; some eye candy that you reference only in sexual terms.
I think it’s healthy, important, and extremely beneficial when pastors let their congregations have a window into their marriages, as it helps the people they serve and shepherd see what a healthy relationship looks like. I’ve benefitted greatly from my past and present pastors publicly modeling marriage, and all its struggles and joys.
But when pastors throw-out random statements to the virtual world, with little or no context for their readers, they’re in danger of sending the wrong message, or at least, oversimplifying complex things.
There used to be a time when guys in ministry let their ministries do the talking; when their family lives and marriages were off-limits from others other than to teach their people in their care. I’m not sure we can ever get that back. The lure of social media and the religious fan bases it creates, is simply too seductive for many ministers, not to just pop off a quick catch phrase.
I’ve been extremely happily married to a truly amazing woman for 17 years, and from that, you can infer any thing that you want. I shouldn’t need to spell it out for anyone on Facebook, and I strive not to express attraction, affection, or adoration for her publicly, that she hasn’t experienced from me privately.
And while I’ve often shared parts of my marriage on social media in order to minister, I’ve always been careful not to use my marriage to improve my image.
I’m challenging every married man in ministry, to let your wife know you’re attracted to her, by your presence, your attention, and by your words spoken in private, not because she follows you on Facebook.
I’m encouraging you to not use your bedroom to build your online ministries, and to protect the most intimate parts of your relationship from being exploited, even by you.
My wife? Everything that she is to me, she already knows.
Protecting your spouse… Now, that’s hot.
