If I Have Gay Children: Four Promises From A Christian Pastor/Parent


Sometimes I wonder if I’ll have gay children.

I’m not sure if other parents think about this, but I do; quite often.

Maybe it’s because I have many gay people in my family and circle of friends. It’s in my genes and in my tribe.
Maybe it’s because, as a pastor of students, I’ve seen and heard the horror stories of gay Christian kids, from both inside and outside the closet, trying to be part of the Church.
Maybe it’s because, as a Christian, I interact with so many people who find homosexuality to be the most repulsive thing imaginable, and who make that abundantly clear at every conceivable opportunity.

For whatever reason, it’s something that I ponder frequently. As a pastor and a parent, I wanted to make some promises to you, and to my two kids right now…

1) If I have gay children, you’ll all know it.

My children won’t be our family’s best kept secret.

I won’t talk around them in conversations with others. I won’t speak in code or vague language. I won’t try to pull the wool over anyone’s eyes, and I won’t try to spare the feelings of those who may be older, or easily offended, or uncomfortable. Childhood is difficult enough, and most LGBT kids spend their entire existence being horribly, excruciatingly uncomfortable. I’m not going to put mine through any more unnecessary discomfort, just to make Thanksgiving dinner a little easier for a third cousin with misplaced anger issues.

If my children come out, we’ll be out as a family.

2) If I have gay children, I’ll pray for them.

I won’t pray for them to be made “normal”. I’ve lived long enough to know that if my children are gay, that quite likely is their normal.

I won’t pray that God will heal or change or fix them. I will pray for God to protect them; from the ignorance and hatred and violence that the world will throw at them, simply because of who they are. I’ll pray that He shields them from those who will despise them and wish them harm; who will curse them to Hell and put them through Hell, without ever knowing them at all. I’ll pray that they enjoy life; that they laugh, and dream, and feel, and forgive, and that they love God and all people.

Above all, I’ll pray to God that my children won’t allow the unGodly treatment they might receive from some of His misguided children, to keep them from pursuing Him.

3) If I have gay children, I’ll love them.

I don’t mean some token, distant, tolerant love that stays at a safe arm’s length. It will be an extravagant, open-hearted, unapologetic, lavish, embarrassing them in the school cafeteria, kissing them in public, kind of love.

I won’t love them despite their sexuality, and I won’t love them because of it. I will love them for the same reasons I already do; simply because they’re sweet, and funny, and caring, and smart, and kind, and stubborn, and flawed, and original, and beautiful… and mine.

If my kids are gay, they may doubt a million things about themselves and about this world, but they’ll never doubt for a second whether or not their Daddy is over-the-moon crazy about them.

4) If I have gay children, most likely; I have gay children.

If my kids are going to be gay, well they pretty much already are.

God has already created them and wired them, and placed the seed of who they are within them. Psalm 139 says that He, “stitched them together in their mother’s womb”. The incredibly intricate stuff that makes them uniquely them; once-in-History souls, has already been uploaded into their very cells.

Because of that, there isn’t a coming deadline on their sexuality that their mother and I are working feverishly toward. I don’t believe there’s some magical expiration date approaching, by which time she and I need to somehow do, or say, or pray just the right things to get them to “turn straight”, or forever lose them to the other side.

They are today, simply a younger version of who they will be; and today they’re pretty darn great.

Many of you may be offended by all of this, I fully realize. I know this may be especially true if you are a religious person with a particular theological stance. Perhaps you find the whole topic unsettling.

As you’ve been reading, you may have been rolling your eyes, clicking the roof of your mouth, or drafting familiar Scriptures to send to me. You may be praying for me to repent, or preparing to Unfriend me, or writing me off as a sinful, evil, Hell-bound heretic… but with as much gentleness and understanding as I can muster; I really couldn’t care less.

This isn’t about you. This is a whole lot bigger than you.

You’re not the one I waited on breathlessly for nine months.
You’re not the one I wept with joy for when you were born.
You’re not the one I bathed, and fed, and rocked to sleep through a hundred intimate, midnight snuggle sessions.

You’re not the one I taught to ride a bike, and whose scraped knee I kissed, and whose tiny, trembling hand I held, while getting stitches.
You’re not the one whose head I love to smell, and whose face lights-up when I come home at night, and whose laughter is like music to my weary soul.
You’re not the one who gives my days meaning and purpose, and who I adore more than I ever thought I could adore anything.

And you’re not the one who I’ll hopefully be with, when I take my last precious breaths on this planet; gratefully looking back on a lifetime of shared treasures, and resting in the knowledge that I loved you well.

If you’re a parent, I don’t know how you’ll respond if you find out your children are gay, but I pray you consider it.

One day, despite your perceptions of your kids or how you’ve parented, you may need to respond in real-time, to a frightened, frantic, hurting child; one whose sense of peace, and identity, and acceptance; whose heart and very life, may be placed in your hands in a way you never imagined… and you’ll need to respond.

If that day should ever come for me; if my children should ever come out to me, this is the Dad I hope I’ll be to them.



* Note: The word “gay” in this post, is used as an umbrella term, and refers to anyone who identifies themselves as LGBTQ (Lesbian, Gay, Bisexual, Transgender, or Questioning) . Though I certainly realize and respect the distinctions and differences, it was simply the word that would quickly and easily communicate within the context of the piece. It was the clearest and best way to address non-hetereosexual individuals in the post, by using a common term that would resonate with the average reader. Hopefully my heart for the entire diverse LGBTQ community is still clear in the writing.

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4,297 thoughts on “If I Have Gay Children: Four Promises From A Christian Pastor/Parent

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  2. I have not read all responses to the original article so anything I state here may not make sense in context of other responses.
    Firstly; SIN is SIN regardless of what the SIN is, there is only one ultimate penalty for SIN; and that is eternal separation from GOD – unless any person is in JESUS CHRIST.
    I know that any of us can search the scriptures to support their own views on the varying degrees of sin and their individual penalties for that SIN; when we do so we should also remember that Adam and Eve incurred the ultimate penalty for their SIN – separation from GOD.
    What was Adam and Eve’s SIN? They ate a piece of fruit from a tree that the LORD GOD commanded them NOT to eat of; yes only a piece of fruit.
    I am not a Christian who believes GOD made people GAY, I do believe though; that we ALL – that is the entirety of humanity inherited the sinful nature from Adam and Eve; the bible tells us this.
    JESUS also stated that a man must be born again to enter the Kingdom of Heaven.
    Are there different degrees of SIN? In the worldly/earthly context – YES; BUT there is still only one ultimate penalty for SIN; which makes ALL other penalties that man can dish out pale into insignificance.
    I am not a Christian who believes people CHOOSE to be GAY any more than a person chooses to be STRAIGHT; the GAY person – GENERALLY -identifies as being GAY based on their sexual attraction to members of the same gender/sex.
    That is how it was for me, I WAS once a GAY man; BUT now I am a MAN OF GOD in JESUS CHRIST. BUT GOD delivered me of; or set me free from; ALL my bondages; which to me looks like this; ‘GOD changed me from being a gay man to being a man of GOD’.
    I no longer have any sexual attractions to other men.
    We people like to have these labels like ‘GAY’, ‘STRAIGHT’ etc. Except for modern translations I am not aware of the bible speaking in these terms; the terms the bible uses are ‘The Sons of Men’ and ‘The Sons of GOD’.
    Having an attraction to the same gender/sex is – for whatever reason – not to be confused with being sexually active, and here’s the thing; we need to separate the person from the SIN itself.
    What happened that a person believe themselves to be GAY? GOD knows; BUT GOD also provided a way to rectify that which separates humanity from GOD; enter the GOSPEL, the GOOD NEWS, yes, the lamb of GOD who takes away the SIN of the WORLD – JESUS CHRIST.
    JESUS CHRIST – the FREE gift from GOD to the world that ALL who believe in HIM should NOT perish, but have eternal LIFE.
    The best thing about this gift or any true gift is that all one needs to do is one of two things – accept the gift OR reject the gift; it is that simple.
    I never knew any GAY man that wanted to be GAY; and to anyone out there who is in that situation; there is a way out; THE LORD GOD CAN CHANGE YOUR LIFE IN A WAY YOU NEVER THOUGHT POSSIBLE.
    To Christians who are about to throw the repent card out hear this; when it is all said and done when a person calls on the name of the LORD; by default they have turned away from their SIN just by simply ‘CALLING ON THE NAME OF THE LORD’.
    Compassion and mercy people.

    • To focus so heavily on the sins of man is sort of what satan wants us to do. It distracts us from the true meaning of God, which is sacrificing for the sake of others and unconditional love. When we spend all these precious seconds — and I do mean PRECIOUS because of how fast time flies by in the blink of an eye– when we are just here pointing fingers at people’s sins, it draws each other away from Jesus. We are to focus our whole mind, body, and spirit on loving Jesus and loving one another. In calling his name and placing our entire being and existence in his hands, our sins are erased by his death on the cross. We need to stop shunning our fellow brothers and sisters regardless of what sins or how they sin, because ultimately we ALL habitually struggle with at least 1 and more likely MANY different sins. But Jesus loves us and wants us with him anyways. When we sin, we cheat on Jesus just as a man or woman cheats on his/her spouse, and yet he calls us, he finds us in our darkest moments, and he extends his hand out. All we have to do is accept it. And while we’re at it, let’s not shit on people for their sins which by the way actually deters them from seeking Christ, especially our people who have not yet accepted Christ as their savior. This is why so many of my LGBT friends are not Christian. They don’t feel welcome in a place that shuns then. Never forget that all men habitually suffer from sin. It is a condition, a disease, a plague, that affects all of humanity. You are no different whether gay or straight.

      • By saying “so many of my gay friends”, You given away that you’ve been compromised.
        Loving everyone is the command. Not accepting sin. I think they have clouded your judgement.

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  5. Myself am gay. I found this blog because my mom sent the link to me. I found closure through it. I truly think we are all made different and it is those differences that make us who we are and those difference that make us stronger.

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