My dear, hurting friend,
I want words right now.
I want words that will fix this; ones that will repair all that is so terribly broken here.
I want words that will turn back the clock and undo the damage and erase the heartache for you.
I want some words that will provide you answers or hope or relief or escape.
Right now I am straining so desperately, reaching so frantically for these words so that I can give them to you, but they aren’t coming and I know they won’t come.
This wound is too invasive, this fracture too severe, this day too dark for mere words.
They all fail.
They all feel worthless.
They don’t say anything remotely worthy of your suffering.
The only language that speaks eloquently into pain like this is made of tears and terrible sounds.
When the heart is so battered and the anguish so full and the senselessness so great, there is a guttural noise that comes; a “sigh too deep for words” that breaks forth from your insides and burns your throat raw as it violently leaves your body.
These are the wordless cries of the soul in the throes of despair.
I know you recognize that all too well.
I know that you’ve spent far too much time here than anyone should ever have to, here in these tears and terrible sounds.
I also know that I can’t simply reach in and pull you out, because this sadness is far too heavy for that.
You can’t leave now, anyway.
You have to stay here and endure, and wait until the pain does the horribly invasive work it needs to do and allows you to move.
And although I can’t bring you out, I can try to meet you there in it all.
I can abandon my search for useless words and run to join you in that awfulness as best as I am able.
Please know that I am trying.
I can’t dare to know exactly how you feel or to understand the magnitude of the sadness in your heart and so I can’t share that very specific mourning space with you, but as much as my love and understanding allow, I am here.
I grieve along with you now, my dear friend. I cry and I scream and my heart testifies in full agreement with yours that none of this is right.
I sit suffering in solidarity with you, here in the absolute wrongness of it all.
I don’t come with easy, lazy platitudes about the greater plan or the silver lining or the valuable lessons of all of this hell you are now enduring. Those are things that only time can show you anyway.
Right now, at the core of it all is this simple truth: I so love you and I so hate this for you.
And because of that, I too find myself now with only tears and terrible sounds as an offering.
This is far less than what I wish to give you and much less than you deserve, but it is all that I have of worth as you suffer and wait.
And so, it is yours.