Christian Parents: If Your Child Comes Out to You, Here Are 5 Ways to Blow it

MOTHER AND DAUGHTER, STRESSFUL CONVERSATION

Having lived in the trenches of family ministry for the past two decades, I’ve been blessed with the honor of having a front row seat to the private lives of parents and their children. This proximity and access have been at times both heartwarming and heartbreaking.

Every single day I sit with, listen to, and care for families in the middle of their coming-out stories, and far too many times I’ve watched loving, faithful, well-meaning moms and dads do and say things in those early moments that did more harm to their sons and daughters than they could ever imagine.

Parents, should the day come when your children share the news with you that they identify as LGBTQ, here are five surefire ways to blow it:

1) Make it all about you.

This is surely a parenting curve ball of epic proportions; an expectation-shattering, plan-altering, world-rocking bit of news. You likely feel disoriented by a thousand swirling thoughts and fears and questions, but ultimately this is about your child—not you. This is primarily their story. It is about the deepest contents of their hearts, and so whatever you are experiencing emotionally, it pales in comparison to what your child is going through. Before this is something happening to you, it is something happening in them. 

There will and should be time for you to be heard, cared for, and tended to, but now is not that time. Your child is in desperate and immediate need. Lay down your feelings for theirs.

2) Scream and Sermonize.

Volume will not alter anything your child has shared with you. Though it may feel good for you as some momentary catharsis, it will only magnify their anxiety and guilt, and serve to drive a deep wedge between the two of you. No amount of histrionics and chest beating will result in productive movement here. Trust me when I tell you that you cannot yell someone into heteronormativity if that is not their truth. Screaming and sermonizing are conversation stoppers and they prevent you from listening and learning, which are your most urgent tasks in these moments.

3) Pummel them with Scriptures.

Understand this, parents: your child has been thinking about what they’ve shared with you long before this moment, and quite likely they already know well the very verses you’ll be tempted to respond with. More than that, they’ve probably studied them, wrestled with them, and prayed through them in ways you’ve never considered, and so these will not be received as welcome revelations of new insight, but rather as expected violence that they are used to sustaining from Christians.

Whether you intend it or not, the Bible will likely only feel like a weapon right now, and do more destruction than renovation—so wield it with great caution.

4) Tell them they are just “confused”.

In your knee-jerk response to the fear and panic of the moment, you may want to dismiss your child as going through some temporary phase or somehow misinterpreting what is happening internally. I’d imagine that when it comes to your own gender identity and sexual orientation, that at almost any age you would have deemed yourself to be the most qualified and reliable authority to speak on the subject. Give your children the same courtesy as they share about themselves, because as young as they might be they still know far more about this than you do. Don’t assume that you can accurately assess from a distance, what they are experiencing from within.

Resist the temptation to correct or debate them when they tell you what they are feeling. They are already risking a great deal simply by sharing it with you.

5) Discipline or distance them.

Please hear me, parents: Grounding your child, berating them, becoming silent, or worse yet, expelling them from your home and from relationship with you, are guaranteed ball-droppers that you will regret. Regardless of your theological perspective or your personal feelings on what your child is naming as their truth, punishing them either with violence or silence or distance will do irreparable damage and will become an emotional barrier that once erected, you will find nearly impossible to scale.

In matters such as these (as with all relational growth) nothing good happens with forced separation. The only way redemption comes is when you move together as a family; when you do not withhold love and affection and connection from those so needing it, even if you disagree.

Moms and Dads, make no mistake: if your children should come out to you, your words and your manner in those first moments and hours will impact and shape their lives beyond what you can comprehend. They will become the bedrock on which your future relationship with them rests, and if you get it wrong you will have fractured the trust they have placed in you. Doubling down in these areas, will squander the precious, fleeting, finite gift of time that you have been given with them; one you can never get back.

Because I care so deeply about you and your children, and because I’ve walked alongside thousands of people in these very same storms, I want to make sure your heart is prepared now, so that you choose wisely in the emotion of the moment. You don’t need to forfeit your feelings or your beliefs, but you do need to yield to your child. Remember this is their story, first.

Listen, breathe, and be very slow to speak unless, it is with clear, unmistakable expressions of your unconditional love for your children. In the early moments of this new beginning, that is all that is necessary. It’s OK to let them know what you don’t understand, but if they don’t walk away from that first conversation certain that you are truly for them and with them, anything else you say won’t matter.

Parents, your child has braved all manner of fear and shame to speak these courageous words to you, and they’ve entrusted you with the deepest parts of themselves because you matter that much to them. They are counting on you to love them well and to shelter them in the most vulnerable moment of their lives; to be the ones they can be safe with if nowhere else on the planet.

For God’s sake and for theirs—don’t blow it.

 

Note: Moms and Dads, it is one of my greatest passions to help families navigate these incredibly difficult seasons together. As a pastor who has devoted nearly two decades to students, I would be honored to help you as you process and share and plan. Please don’t hesitate to reach out to me if I can serve your family in any way.

 

Order John’s book, ‘A Bigger Table’ here.

193 thoughts on “Christian Parents: If Your Child Comes Out to You, Here Are 5 Ways to Blow it

  1. If that person that is Gay is a born again Christian will they go to Heaven if living a Christain life ? My daughter is gay and it worries me that she will not be accepted into Heaven. What is your thought on that.

    • What kind of God would close the door to a child He made in His image, gay or straight? If Jesus teaches that we should love above all else, would He shut the door to a soul loving another soul regardless of gender? Is heaven only for straight folk? Religious folk???? You put too much store on your understanding (or misunderstanding of Scripture). Go with your heart and love more.

    • don’t be anxious about it. Think about how much you love your daughter and know her beauty and uniqueness and gifts- then multiply that a million times over, then you will see how much God loves her and how much God accepts her and doesn’t want to lose her 🙂

    • being born again is turning from your sinful ways and live for Jesus. going to church and having good works don’t get us into heaven its how we live for the Lord. we are to know him personally so we can tell and teach others about him. beleive what his word says and repent. read 1corinthians 6:19-20 i would love to talk to you further I am an Elder and co-pastor and hav a women ministry Bless you and take care

      • Vergie, you should be banned from this site because you are so disrespectful towards gay folk and have no understanding at all, even of Scripture. I do feel sorry for your church and your family and your neighbours. You must be a very difficult person to live with. Seek God and His love and earnestly desire to follow Him in loving others. Perhaps that will help you.

        Please, please, please do not take any heed of this woman’s rhetoric regarding anything to do with being gay, which incidentally is not a sin, never was and never will be. What is sin is the bind that this woman is putting on other people. My God does not do what she claims. She has no love at all for others (unless they agree with her narrow view of things) and God commands us to love. Slamming people on sin is never the loving thing to do, especially when you do it wrongfully (ie. tell them what is sin when it’s not!).

  2. I would add that it doesn’t matter at what age your child comes out, they are still your child 6, 15, 25 or well into their 40’s. Be careful of what you say, how you say it, and do not be too afraid or stubborn to apologize for any earlier behavior.

  3. Thank you, J9Tigger. I was about 20 when my parents found out about me, but my Beloved was nearly 40 when she told her father. He wasn’t precisely thrilled, but he made it clear that he loved her, and me, and that wasn’t going to change.

  4. Pingback: A note to parents of kids who are coming out | G-squared Youth Advocate

  5. What about the same being said to children of gay parents? I hid so well in my closet for so many years and when I finally came out all hell broke loose. My children all had a hard time accepting me as gay, and still do, though my son has made some effort to understand. I fear for any of my grandchildren coming out as gay. John, do you have any experience of reaching out to adult children of gay parents who came out late in life?

  6. Such wise council. So grateful we received the same council when our son came out to us. Oh, it did turn our world upside down. It shook us up, chewed on and spit us out, trampled us, and took us in the most unexpected and wild ride EVER. But we’ve taken that ride TOGETHER – as a family. From the beginning we purposed to love him – not “through it” as if there was some sort of expected change on the other side. But because he is a person, a creation of God, fearfully and wonderfully made, and deserving of love. God has used our son to show us the depths of His (God’s) love in ways we had never before considered or fathomed. We have grown in Him in ways we never expected or knew we could. We are so incredibly grateful for the experience. And we would not change a thing about the journey!

    I applaud you for tackling such a controversial and divisive issue in Chrisyianity. Prayerfully, we soon see the day when this topic is no longer on the minds and tongues of believers. LIVES matter. And if we truly want to follow Jesus’ example we must SEE PEOPLE.

  7. Wow, this is really, really good. I don’t think I’ve ever seen a post from a Christian minister that “gets it” so well, even among those who try to be supportive of LGBT people. The only thing I would add is that these guidelines should be followed throughout all of your interactions with your LGBT child, not just the first one.

    My parents found out that I was a gay woman through my sister without my consent. When they admitted they knew and they called me to talk about it I was so terrified that I was physically shaking and crying until I couldn’t speak and nearly vomited. They had said many horrible things about gay and lesbian people in the past, and I was certain that they would treat me with the same disgust and cruelty. Perhaps because I was in such a sorry emotional state, they actually responded initially with a lot of grace and love and just tried to reassure me that they still loved me. But over the next months, they escalated their response and violated every one of these guidelines and then some. After years of desperate effort on my part to mend the family, I came out as a transgender man. By this time, all pretense of being loving had shed away and they responded with disgust and vitriol and told me they would rather never speak to me again than have to use a different name for me. This, it turns out, was their true nature. They never had any intention of having a gay or transgender child in their lives. They simply responded kindly at the start in hopes of “fixing” me and, when I was not fixed, they became enraged by my noncompliance.

    The years-long struggle between us caused unfathomable pain for all of us and nearly claimed my life and possibly my parents’ lives too. And in the end, we both lost. We no longer speak or see each other. I am dead to them. Parents, unless you want this for yourself and your child, PLEASE listen to the wise words in this article. Yes, you might be scared for your child’s soul or safety, but those of us who have lived this know how that story ends. DO NOT THINK you are immune. DO NOT THINK that because you love your child more than my parents did (you don’t) or that you have a stronger faith than my parents did (you don’t) that it will end differently for you. My parents were some of the most loving and faithful people you could imagine, but once they started down this path, their attempts to strip me of my humanity stripped them of theirs. They undoubtedly see themselves as loving and victims of my trans-ness, but from the outside everyone can see that their actions have transformed them into hateful, cruel, spiteful and self-absorbed people. By the end of it all, neither of us could recognize the other anymore.

    If you truly trust god with your life and your child’s life, leave this in his hands. Your job on this earth is to love and support your child in any way you can. If god wanted you to be able to change your child’s very identity, he would have allowed you to create them as a cis-straight person in the womb. Please please listen to these warnings and don’t harden your heart. I don’t want any parent OR child to suffer the way my family has, and all for nothing. Love your child. Listen to your child. Respect your child’s boundaries and requests (if they say “hey, I don’t want to talk about this anymore” STOP). There is a way forward and there can be hope and love and togetherness. I believe that.

    • What a heart-felt response. Thank you for sharing. You have been through a lot and must be a strong person to have survived all that and be so “intact”. What an inspiration you are! Would love to know more of your story. Do you have a website or a blog page?

      • I do, although I update it very rarely: https://shelteredevangelical.wordpress.com/

        I have tried to remain as intact as possible, given everything. My family finally officially disowned me and told me they would never speak to me again last February (almost exactly a year ago now) right in the middle of my second semester of my Astrophysics PhD studies, and it very nearly derailed me completely. I had a few mental break-downs, I failed some tests, I cut my arm open a couple of times in some desperate attempt to externalize the pain and then felt ashamed by it. Lots of therapy and pleading with professors for extra time and a little grace was needed to get me through it. Moments like that I feel like I haven’t made it through so “intact” after all. But hey, I’m still here. I still feel some of the effects of that blow, but I’m overall pretty healthy and happy. I just passed my preliminary oral exam with flying colors and I’m on track for an early graduation just like I had always planned. My wife has been my bedrock support and thank goodness for her. So I guess I’m proud and grateful for having survived it, whether fully intact or not. And I have every intention to make the most of my life, even without my sister and parents. Some day I plan to be a parent myself, and I will strive to love my kid with all of the kindness and respect that was taken from me, regardless of who they are.

    • I feel so horrible that you had to go through all of this! My son is gay and trans and, while I made a lot of mistakes going through his transition, I was loving and supportive through it all. He never had to wonder if I still loved him. I just got lucky in that God made me so super maternal that nothing was going to stand between me and my baby, no matter what. It had nothing to do with me being a smart or good person, believe me!

      But, I wish like hell it would do any good to send your comment to my ex husband who still calls my hairy, bearded, thirty something trans son, ‘she, and ‘he’ and refers to him as such in front of others. He has told my son, “I will never think of you as my son.” My son is heartbroken as he can’t discuss any aspects of his life with his dad anymore because they all inevitably lead to something my ex won’t like. My son can’t talk about his long term boyfriend, about his future hopes and dreams of marriage and adopting kids. His dad still loves him and is there in time of trouble for him but the trust and closeness are gone, probably forever.

      • So sad for your beautiful boy that his dad can’t accept him as he is. Wish I could give you and your boy a big hug just to say you are both loved and much appreciated.

      • I’m sorry to hear that your ex has chosen a life without his son. It’s such a silly, pointless thing. His rejection of his son isn’t going to change him. It won’t make your ex feel more justified or right. It won’t do anything except cause heartbreak and loneliness. I wish that people would just listen and spare themselves and their loved ones this pain.

  8. Thank you for this excellent post, John. It is desperately needed. When my daughter’s Christian girlfriend came out to her dad, he told her he would rather be dead than have a gay daughter. Thankfully, she has the full love and support of my husband and me. When our daughter came out, and we were completely surprised, my husband hugged her and told her he wouldn’t change one bit of her DNA for she was exactly as God intended her to be. He then poured a toast of his special occasion $150 bottle of cognac and toasted her honesty, her truth, and the amazing Christian woman she is. I have never loved my daughter, or my husband more.

  9. Gabrielle… I can’t remember my password to like your post but consider it a big thumbs up. What blessed daughters you have. Way to go parents, way to go! You can’t help BUT have exceptional daughters! They’re hemmed with love. Well done good and faithful parents ♡

  10. My daughter is transgender. My family is only”Christian” in that they post Joel Olsteen memes. They accused of of abuse. We’re doing this to her.
    My husband’s family is Baptist. We hid it from his parents for months. We told his extended family this past Easter. Oddly, his family didn’t get together for Easter. When both of our kids were starting to have anxiety about seeing them all for Thanksgiving, my husband wrote them all asking them to use her preferred name and pronouns.
    The response was disgusting. Two preschool teachers basically told us that between their early childhooh experience and their knowledge of the Bible and their prayerful family conversations, they know more than our daughter, us and her team of medical, mental health and social work professionals. They concluded that the only possiblilty is that we are doing this to her. She’s too young to make this “decision”. She’s surely been exposed to sexually oriented topics. This is us being separate from God. We’re saying God made a mistake and God doesn’t make mistakes. They compared it to fixing a nose that one doesn’t like. They focused on the hurt we’re “causing” the family, especially her grandparents who are mourning the loss of their grandson, but have done little to learn about their granddaughter and nothing to learn about Gender Dysphoria or what it’s like to be transgender.
    My child is NOT a mistake, God’s or otherwise. She is beautiful and strong, funny and amazing. She started losing parts of her family at 6.5 and lives every single day with things most adults would crumble under. She deserves our love, her grandparents’ love and the love of her whole family. She HAS God’s love. IF God had anything to do with her gender identity, if it’s not an anomaly of gentics, He certainly gave her to us because He knew we’d love her.

    • Bless you! Keep loving your child and ignore the family as much as possible. Mostly talking to folk like that doesn’t help. They are entrenched in their beliefs and will cling to them stubbornly no matter how convincing your side is. Love them but leave them to mull over their own stuff and be glad not to have to join them.

      • Thank you. We don’t talk to most of them and we let our children decide if they want to. The stakes are way too high to put either of them through that trauma. The suicide rate among trans youth is terrifying.
        I was given my child to love. I wasn’t given her to love as long as she indentified as a boy, as long as she fit into my ideals. I was given her to love not matter what.

    • I understand your pain! My trans gay son gets the same kind of crap from his dad (my ex), and from members of my family. Most of them are smart enough not to say that garbage in front of me anymore as ‘hell hath no fury’ like a pissed off Mama Lion. My son is moved far away now and I’m to follow him soon. Whether I will ever see many of my family after that is very questionable, me being disabled and too poor to travel. It’s funny but, I don’t find myself too worried about missing them.

  11. This is in response to idojunk… you’re right… you do junk. All my 58 yrs I have done battle with your type. Let’s talk dark and deviant. Let’s talk about the tragedy of trafficking children by straight men for pleasure. Let’s talk about so called family and family friends taking away innocence of children because its there for the taking. Let’s talk about children providing “entertainment” in video and East-end cantinas, and so called massage parlors. Let’s hit closer to home… how about the male pastor, with a seemingly welcoming hand out, leaning in and rather than whispering “welcome” says don’t come back… we don’t want your type here. Dark? Are you telling me, a LGBT woman, that the passionate (and yes, there is more than one meaning there) love I have for the most precious woman in my life is dark and deviant? How dare you. The Lord blessed me with her. And she is His. I respect that but I have no less love for her but it does guide my actions. I will let the
    Spirit within me judge me. Prayers to you.

  12. I am a Lutheran minister, a mom, and the mother of a gay daughter. We did not have any trouble with learning of our child’s identification, because it seemed clear to us that the handful of scriptures speaking against same-sex intimacy were much more likely in the context of their culture to be addressing imbalanced and unequal relationships. Meanwhile, the Bible and Jesus repeatedly stress the importance of loving, healthy, equal relationships.

  13. I have not experienced this event myself but have witnessed those who have. I am thinking of one family who are bible translators and missionaries. Thier son came out about 2 years ago. They and their church were very concerned, because they believe that Homosexual acts are sinful. So what did they do, they loved their son, kept the door open, dad continued to have his weekly get togethers with his son, always reminding him of his love, but still standing on his beliefs. The people in the church, those who know him would meet and reaffirm their love while still sharing what the scripture says. Finally 2 years later their son decides to leave the homosexual life and come back to what he believes is God’s will, heterosexual. It was really neat to see a family handle this, and a church handle this delicately, never once withdrawing love from this son. It was truly the love of God through family and friends to allow him this journey and realize that he wants to be heterosexual according to God’s word.
    Had he not come back, they would still be loving him, but without changing their beliefs.

    I also know a second family with a similar situation, they chose to affirm their sons, desire to follow his same sex attraction, gay beliefs and lifestyle. They changed their beliefs to accept their experience. In fact, one of the parents told me that, God would never make me choose between my faith and my son.” I disagree, I believe that our faith and following Christ must always come first- ask Jesus he had to put God above his family many times.God will be the ultimate judge of all we say and do but if we allow our experiences to change our faith in a way that goes against the God’s heart in the Bible then are we making people our God?

    Thus by looking at these two experiences you cannot determine truth from an experience, there must be a plum line. I guess the question is what is yours?

    • I agree marriage is the place for safe, healthy sexual expression. Marriage is good for LGBT persons whether it is mixed orientation, opposite sex, same sex, gender queer and trans. As long as it is authentic and spouses are honest. Everyone deserves to be supported in pursuing marriage in order to bring their sexuality in line with a covenant relationship that honors fidelity and faithfulness. If someone would rather choose a mixed orientation marriage or call themselves heterosexual rather than a sexual minority that is their business but it is not the standard because mixed orientation marriages have been around for a long time. But people did not admit to it or talk about it openly. Some have been successful and some have not. Being realistic and counting the costs before going into any marriage should be a priority.

    • Something is wrong here since the young man who “chose to turn back to heterosexuality” is denying that he is gay, unless he wasn’t really gay to begin with. You only choose how your live out your life, not your innate sexuality. There’s a big difference.

      • My guess is either he wasn’t gay (unlikely,) he’s bi and opted to just ignore half of himself or, possibly saddest of all, he IS gay, but decided that denying himself and spending the rest of his life with some poor woman for whom he feels little is better than the constant nagging, praying and love that is clearly deeply conditional.

      • Yes, Jem, there seems to be something wrong here and I hope this young man reads this blog and these comments and considers the cost before he marries a woman. From what I recall from a past comment- I think you and I made similar choices to marry at a time when there were no options for us. For years I was a wife and mom and suppressed my sexuality. It caused deep harm to me and my husband emotionally because of dishonesty . My whole world has been wrong ever since I can remember. The pressure within myself to be something I wanted but wasn’t because I needed friends and family and then there was the pressure to be something I am but didn’t want because it meant certain damnation, loneliness and exclusion. It’s a horrible place to be when people are telling you their ‘opinions’ as truth- go this way ‘No’ go this way- back and forth like a ping pong ball- the pressure is unbearable sometimes. I guess the group that loves the best wins, eh? The thing is though, some people’s sexuality is fluid and they may have some genuine attraction to the opposite sex. And some people may fall in love with someone of the opposite sex who is not necessarily sexually attractive to them physically but maybe they become more attracted to them as they fall in love. Those people want to investigate the option of marrying someone of the opposite sex because of religious beliefs. I think we need to support all people in all the places they find themselves even if that means a mixed orientation marriage. For me it was wrong because I don’t experience any real quantifiable attraction to men either for sex or as a gender compliment. People should be careful about entering a marriage when any element of honesty, love or sexual attraction is missing. But we have to consider taking the pressure off people to be one thing or the other so that they can be honest with themselves first.

    • There is no comeback. You are born with your orientation. There are many closeted gay Christians and they stay in the church because they dont know anything else and at least in the church they can feel they belong to something.

      I left Christianity, not because of my orientation, but because of abuse. When I got to uni I learnt that what I experienced had nothing to do with real spirituality. I went on a search for a pathway and today I’m an Asatruar. It works for me.

    • hi Kirk this is Vergie love what you said. some on this blog get mad at me because I call sin for what it is. my heart is hurt when i read some of these things what people beleive. i’m standing for truth and hope you will to Bless You

    • Unless that young man was bisexual, this is NOT a happy ending. If he is gay, then he has chosen a life of misery and oppression. That’s not God’s will. If he is bi, he will be OK. Otherwise, he will never, never be happy until he embraces who he is and finds the man God has for him.

  14. Just my opinion but I think sex is much overrated. With a man or woman. Never found one or the other that listened very well. I’d rather “be” with someone who made love to my spirit and mind in a sensitive and respectful way…. my Vesuvius libido can’t hold a candle (no pun intended) to my spirit or gray matter.

    And learning starts early, right? “I’ll wait… applies to gay AND straight”.

    Woulda, shoulda put a little distance between want and got.

  15. Thank you, Kathy! I really like what you say. You have much wisdom and much love to give out. I think maybe you came by those in your struggles. I was too closeted (totally scared shitless – excuse the language – of the idea of being homo). So I naturally (unnaturally) pursued the way I was “supposed to go”. I puzzled about many things – sexual attractions, marriage, falling in love, etc. They just didn’t quite fit, but I went for them, thinking that was what I had to do. I don’t regret it all. My wife became a wonderful best friend for 40 odd years and I have 3 wonderful children (even if they find it hard to have a dad gone gay – lol) and 8 grandchildren. Unfortunately they are mostly estranged because the family is embarrassed and doesn’t really know what to do with a gay dad/grandfather. I came out 4 years ago in August 2012 and life has been very hard since then, but also very interesting and maybe I can say rewarding in its own way. I knew nothing about being gay up to then so this is all a new discovery and a new beginning in a place where gays are even put in prison (so doesn’t make for easy transition). I had been totally involved in church, serving as a leader, preacher, teacher. But I knew that would be impossible when I came out, so cut myself off from all those commitments before anything became an issue. I still home school a couple of nieces, my brother and his wife being so incredibly supportive in spite of belonging to a charismatic church that would be anti-gay. It continues to be a difficult struggle and I often wonder if it wouldn’t have been easier to just continue in the lie. I had come out to my wife in the 80s and we agreed for the sake of our children to just continue in our marriage. We had a good marriage because being married to your best friend is the best thing ever. I caused her much pain when I separated from her in August 2012, though we continued to be friends. She died of cancer in May 2014. I still miss her. Sharing this is making me cry again.

    • Thanks for sharing your story I understand being ‘scared shitless’ I get it. You handled your marriage much better than I did. I wish you well as your family adjusts through all the bumps in the road. God bless you !

  16. Pingback: So this is what being a “Christian blogger” means… | Ben Irwin

  17. I am a Christian Church Pastor along with my Co-Pastor Vergie Muse, my wife. I have a family member that is a lesbian. I love her very much. When I was 18 I lived with her. We got along very well throughout the years. However, when I lived with her many years ago she didn’t want her homosexual male friends to approach me knowing that I was heterosexual. She was trying to protect me from their possible advances because she knew that I didn’t, and still don’t agree with their sexual preference and lifestyle. Homosexual and lesbian sex preferences may not be viewed as a sin to them, my sister included, but it is a sin to me. It’s my conscience, nature, and the Holy Bible that says that it is wrong for me to choose a man to love and have sex with. Nature itself shows that to us. We don’t turn anyone away from our church, but we won’t allow anyone that is Gay to promote their sexual choices in our church, nor will we try to force our heterosexual views on anyone that is gay among us; Just as we would not allow someone that is in and adulterous affair to promote their affair among us.

    • Are you really that naive? She wasn’t trying to protect you from any non-existent advances from her gay male friends, even if that’s what she told you. She was trying to protect her gay male friends from your bigotry.
      You don’t agree with their sexual preference? So what? That’s like saying you don’t approve of the color of their eyes or skin. It is what it is, whether you approve or not.
      You don’t agree with their lifestyle? Exactly what does that mean? I know many hundreds of gay people. None are wealthy enough to afford a lifestyle. The most any can afford is a life. Now, if you take your average heterosexual couple and compare their everyday lives to an average homosexual couple, approximately 98% of their lives will be identical. The 2% that is different is confined to the bedroom and is none of your business. Your mind and imagination don’t belong in there.
      Are you SURE you know what God thinks about this? Can you read Hebrew and Greek, or must you rely on one or more of the English translations of the Bible (which don’t even agree with each other)? If you must rely on English, then how do you know which translations might be right? How do you know for sure what God said about anything? On the other hand, if you can read Hebrew and Greek, why haven’t you taken the time to study this subject thoroughly in those texts? (I know you haven’t, because if you had, and were honest, you would have found that the English translations were not honest, and in the case of newer translations, are blatantly dishonest.)
      Why not see what those who can read Hebrew and Greek have to say about it? http://hoperemains.webs.com

      • How would you know what she was trying to do for me over 40 years ago? That was between me and them. You forgot that she is my close relative and we still love and respect each others difference of opinions as far as heterosexual and LGBT relationships go. She chose her life-style (That’s what she called it) and I love mine. That is my right as a member of the human race, and choosing to live as a lesbian is her right as a member of the human race, and whatever it is that you have chosen to live as is you right as a member of the human race. I don’t have to try to make the Bible say what I want it to say on any of its subject matter. I simply agree with its writings. Also, I worked for some gay people back in the 80’s and we have a very good relationship today. One time, one of my gay supervisor’s friends tried to make a pass at me and my gay supervisor saw it and told them not to do that because “Morris is not into our life-style, and don’t ever do that again or I’ll fire you.” I didn’t feel intimidated by them in any way because I know that I am heterosexual.

    • I find your comments contradictory since you claim not be forcing your hetero views on gay folk but you ban gay folk from your church (unless they deny they are gay). That makes no sense. You are in effect saying so long as they pretend to be hetero they are welcome. What a hypocrite you are!
      And then you say it’s not natural, but give no reason for your conclusion. It is nothing but your prejudice that says it’s not natural. Research homosexuality amongst God’s creation of animals and you’ll be amazed to find, in spite of your prejudice, that it is perfectly natural.
      You mention that the Bible supports your view, but the only problem with that is that it’s only the modern translations of the Bible that support your view. Do a proper study of ancient texts in original languages and you’ll find that the Bible is not at all clear on the matter of homosexuality, and since there is no clarity on it I would think it would be wise to not make such harsh and prejudicial judgements. But then it sounds like you do that a lot. I guess it will be very hard for you to accept that you might just be wrong.

      • I never indicated that we ban gays from attending our church. I said, in essence, that they would not be allowed to promote their choices of same sex relationships on anyone in our congregation that objects to being approached by them in that manner.

        • Sounds like a police state. Do you do the same for the hetero folk? Make sure that a guy is not coming on to a girl. After all, isn’t in sin to encourage sex in the church? You do have a most extraordinary attitude to people. I would hate to go to your church, though I know from what you have said I would never be welcome there anyway.

      • I think that if some of the LGBT people would stop thinking that there is something wrong with everybody else but them, we all would probably find a way to get along just fine.

        • No nothing wrong with others at all, except that every one of us is in need of healing and restoration even you. The trouble is you won’t tolerate the idea of being gay as acceptable, and that is wrong. It’s like saying I don’t like you because you have blue eyes, so don’t come near me. I’m afraid you might contaminate me with your blue eyes. I think they might be contagious. Is it a sin to have blue eyes? Then it’s no sin to be gay either. It’s the way some folk are made, praise the Lord!

  18. No one has the right to force anyone to accept their particular choices of sexual partnerships or relationships on anyone that is not willing to accept them or it. If you choose to have a same sex relationship or partnership, then that’s you choice. And since I have chosen to have a heterosexual relationship (marriage) then that is my choice. I CAN LIVE WITH, CAN YOU!!!

    • I can just imagine your reaction if suddenly people refused to recognize your marriage, referred to your wife as your “friend,” and made it painfully obvious in every interaction that they thought you and your wife were not really married but living in sin. I am sure you would be offended and insist on the basic dignity of having others acknowledge the commitment you and she have made to each other. It’s only basic common decency and respect.
      Why can’t you afford that same dignity to a same-sex couple? Like you and your wife, they are two individuals who have committed their lives to each other. And in the case of people of faith, they are two individuals who believe God is in their union and blesses it. You don’t have to agree… but to treat them any differently because you disagree makes you the bad guy.
      There are still churches in this country that teach that interracial marriage is wrong, even a sin. Do you think they would be justified in treating interracial couples like second-class citizens, or refusing to recognize their marriage? I hope not. It’s no different with a same-sex couple. Regardless of your beliefs in regard to it, a married same-sex couple is legally married, and should be acknowledged that way.

      • As I said earlier, that is their choice. I respect other peoples choices. I just don’t agree with anyone trying to make someone else to conform to their particular choices. If you came to our services with your same sex marriage partner, I wouldn’t have a problem with it. Just don’t try to convert us as a church to the same life that you and your partner have chosen.

        • What, to make you gay? That isn’t even remotely possible. You don’t really believe gay people try to recruit, do you? Gay people are educated enough about sexual orientation to know that it’s both innate and immutable. Nobody who isn’t gay or bi naturally is every going to be even remotely tempted to be intimate with someone of the same sex.

    • I don’t understand what you mean here. Who is forcing anyone else to accept anything? Just as your choice of partner and marriage is recognised and accepted, so you should recongnise someone else’s choice of partner and marriage too. Is that forcing something?

  19. As far as marriages go, as a Minister I have the right not to perform the marriage ceremony of any heterosexual couple if I choose to for reasons that I judge are improper. Likewise, I have the same option when it comes to performing same-sex marriages. I won’t, and don’t recognize any law that would try to take that personal right away. They (same-sex or heterosexual) can always get some one else to perform the ceremony

    • If you think anyone is trying to force you to perform same-sex weddings, you’ve been listening to too much propaganda. No minister has ever been required to perform any wedding of any kind, and that isn’t going to change. When my sister got married, 35 years ago, her church refused to perform the wedding. She was Catholic, her fiance was Hindu. The Catholic priest was well within his rights to refuse to perform the wedding. So I performed it for them. There are countless churches and synagogues more than happy to perform same-sex weddings.

  20. Good post, but could you say “children” instead of “sons and daughters”? Some people have genders aren’t male or female. Google “genderqueer” and “nonbinary” to learn more.

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