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Exit Interviews: What I Wish My Former Pastor Knew, Part 2

Note from John:

I’m very fortunate that I have a venue for my voice to be heard, and realize that most people do not. As a pastor, I spend a great deal of my days listening to people’s stories and trying to speak and write in such a way that those stories are represented in the world—and particularly in the Church.

I asked my readers a simple question, and the responses have been overwhelming in number, and in the depth of faith and pain they reflect. I believe they deserve to heard be directly, and over the next couple of weeks I will share as many as I can. I hope they will minister to you, that they will bring some comfort and encouragement. I hope you’ll realize how very not-alone you are in your desire to pursue faith in the tension between God and organized religion.

And if you’re a faith leader in any capacity, I hope you’ll sift these words to find the ones that resonate and reveal to you the ways you might better do the important, life-giving work you are called to do. 

As you read, resist the temptation to refute or argue anyone’s response. Simply listen and allow each person’s experience to weigh the same.

The question was: If you’re no longer in a church or struggle with the one you’re a part of—what do you wish your pastor/priest/minister/leader knew?

I wish he had answered my questions when I was starting to question my faith, rather than skirting or ignoring them. Failing to answer challenges to the Bible just pushed me further away, as did the inevitable “God exists because the Bible says so.” Christian leaders should be well-versed enough and open-minded enough, to have honest conversations with folks (especially kids) that are starting to question their beliefs. Burying your head in the church’s sand or laying down a “Do you really want to go to Hell?” guilt trip can’t be the best way to handle it.

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That the words spoken in their churches damage those of us that aren’t even there. That the hate spewed in those walls rarely stays in the walls, but rather spills out to affect so many. Rarely does love have the same affect as hate. You must love much more than someone hates to make a difference.

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That I left because I felt like I was suffocating. How can I be a part of a church that doesn’t acknowledge current events, specifically, when Trayvon Martin was killed and a string of other after him—and to this day. How can you not talk about it? How can you talk around it and think that it’s just the same?

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As a pastor who no longer has a church, I am appalled at the ageism that exists in the church when it comes to being seen as eligible for a calling.

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That they didn’t have all the answers and it was okay. To honestly question and challenge the norm. To have an open mind and heart to new ideas, thinking of new ways to do things and not think everything different is from the “devil”. To really learn to love and not be judgmental. To not have the perfect family, so that everyone else can be real too. To stop trying to get people to come to Church, but instead go to them. Once you learn to love people right where they are, they will probably want to come to you. To quit basing “success” on numbers, but on changed lives. To quit being so pious. To not guilt people into doing everything at the Church.

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I have learned more on this journey of being transgender than both doctorate degrees you possess: theology and psychology. Since you refuse to learn beyond your own understanding, your teachability in these areas has little effect on His kingdom.

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I wish they knew it was OK to admit that they don’t have all the answers. I wish they all we’re comfortable enough to admit that from time to time. Admit they have doubts like the rest of us. Narrow it all down so people can keep the main thing about their faith the main thing. Help people to become less heavenly minded and more earthly good.

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I wish my pastor and church knew I would have continued to be devoted to them (as I had been for 21 years) if they hadn’t abandoned me during my time of doubt and youthful rebellion. People make mistakes. But we only mend through grace and kinship, not condemnation.

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That divorced women have value, are strong and are good mothers. There are no positive affirming programs for divorced people in my church. We are treated like second class people. Many others are judged even worse. The LGBTQ community is treated much worse so I have it good I guess. Anyway, not a problem any longer as I don’t attend gatherings where only a few are accepted with conditions.

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I was gay, but only two people knew: me and God. I wish my pastor knew how damaging it was to the ears of a 12-year old kid to be taught that “homosexuality” was the worst possible sin in God’s eyes.
I wish he knew how harmful it was to the ears of a 15-year old to be taught that same-sex attraction is what happens to those whom God has given over to a worthless mind.
I wish he knew how hurtful it was to the ears of an 18-year old to be taught that people like me are reprobates.
I wish he knew how devastating it was to a 21-year old’s ears to be taught that the abominable act that the anti-Christ will do on the alter in the temple in the last days would be a homosexual act.
I wish he knew how sad I was at 25 years old knowing I had no safe person to talk to.
I wish he knew how scared and broken I was at 28 years old when I knew God wasn’t going to fix me.
I wish he knew how I walked away from God at 31 and even questioned the very existence of God and Christ because of the way my fellow “Christians” felt and spoke about people like me.
I wish he knew how his vitriolic and graceless teachings about homosexuality ingrained such disgust and fear into my family that they can no longer love me unconditionally, even though they want to.
I wish he knew how this fear-based theology steals the very life out of young people and rips families apart.
I wish he knew me.

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I wish they knew that I saw how they carefully avoided partnering with the minority-led churches in the area in the wake of several notable police brutality incidents against people of color. I wish they knew that I see their actions as being fearful and timid, which isn’t what I think Jesus wanted us to be. I wish I could trust them because after all of these things. I don’t think I can trust them.

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I don’t do church anymore, and I won’t go either but the saddest of all is I don’t miss it.

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What would I like my former pastors to know? For a start, that I’m gay, that God knows, and I’m pretty sure He’s okay with it. More importantly, a church should be a refuge, a place to grow, a place to heal. The church they ran was anything but that for me, especially in the end. I gave up when I began to leave church feeling worse than when I walked in. I don’t regret coming to God in high school, but I regret coming to that church.

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As a former church staff member, how little I miss church: the stress, the pressure, the “machine” of church. I prefer the pace of life and relationships outside of the weekly church commitment. I am a seasoned follower of Jesus so I know what I need and how to find it. I’m not sure someone who is younger in their faith would have the same experience.

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I wish my youth pastor knew that I was 100% gay when I was leading youth worship, but was lying about who I was. I’ve never felt more separated from God than when I was in the closet.

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I wish my pastor and all the male pastoral staff knew that I consider them to be misogynistic and sexist. I wish I could communicate to them how I see this, and how true it is to me. I wish they understood how I feel. I wish they knew that perpetuating purity culture will damage their daughters in ways they will (hopefully) know nothing about. I wish they knew that by denying women equal roles in the front of the church, that they are suppressing the calls and the gifts that God has given to the young women and girls growing up in that church, and that it will damage the church for years to come.

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When I tell you I don’t know where God is just tell me that you don’t either. I promise I will think more of you, not less. I don’t actually expect you to have all the answers. And yes, when I’m on the floor with morning sickness bring the church to me; not in a formal deacon visit that I would have to clean for, but come, step over the playroom toys, find me exactly where I am—not how you want me to be.

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I wish ministers remembered to minister by leading people to Christ instead of trying to replace Christ. He is the One who loves perfectly and completely and faithfully. He is the one who can bring peace and joy, wisdom and understanding—not them. They don’t need to pretend they have all the answers. None of us do. We only need to know the One who does. That, and a friendly word can work wonders.

Read Part 1 HERE.

 

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