The Grieving Need You Most After the Funeral

My father died suddenly while on vacation three years ago. The event rattled the bedrock of my life in ways that are difficult to describe, and taught me lessons I couldn’t have learned any other way.

One of the truths I discovered, is that when you lose someone you love—people show up.

Almost immediately they surround you with social media condolences and texts and visits and meals and flowers. They come with good hearts, with genuine compassion, and they truly want to support you in those moments. The problem, is that you’re neither prepared nor particularly helped by the volume then.

The early days of grief are a hazy, dizzying, moment by moment response to a trauma that your mind simply can’t wrap itself around. You are, what I like to call a Grief Zombie; outwardly moving but barely there. You aren’t really functioning normally by any reasonable measurement, and so that huge crush of people is like diverting thousands of cars into a one lane back road—it all overwhelms the system. You can’t absorb it all. Often it actually hurts.

This usually happens until the day of the funeral, when almost immediately the flood of support begins to subside. Over the coming days the calls and visits gradually become less frequent as people begin to return to their normal lives already in progress—right about the time the bottom drops out for you.

Just as the shock begins to wear off and the haze is lifted and you start to feel the full gravity of the loss; just as you get a clear look at the massive crater in your heart—you find yourself alone.

People don’t leave you because they’re callous or unconcerned, they’re just unaware. Most people understand grief as an event, not as the permanent alteration to life that it is, and so they stay up until the funeral and imagine that when the service ends, that somehow you too can move ahead; that there is some finishing to your mourning.

That’s the thing about grief that you learn as you grieve: that it has no shelf life; that you will grieve as long as you breathe, which is far after the memorial service and long after most people are prepared to stay. Again, they still love you dearly, they just have their own roads to walk.

Sometimes people leave because they suddenly feel estranged by the death. They may have been used to knowing you as part of a couple or as a family, and they aren’t able to navigate the new dynamic the loss has created. They simply don’t know how to relate to you the way they once did, and so they withdraw.

Or sometimes people see you from a distance and mistake your visible stability for the absence of need, as if the fact that you’re functioning in public doesn’t mean you don’t fall apart all the time when you’re alone—and you do. We all carry the grief as bravely and competently as we can in public, but none of us are strong enough to shoulder it alone. People often say of a grieving person, “They’re so strong”, but they’re not. They’re doing what they have to in order to survive. They need you to come alongside them.  

Other times people avoid you because they believe that they will say the wrong thing; that somehow they will remind you of your loved one and cause you unnecessary pain. Trust me, the grieving don’t lack for reminders. They are intimately aware of the absence in their lives, and you acknowledging it actually makes them feel better. It gives them consent to live with the grief, and to know that they can be both wounded and normal.

Friends, what I’m saying is that it’s wonderful to be present for people when tragedy occurs. It’s a beautiful thing to express your love and support for those you love in any way you feel is right in those first few days. It does matter. No compassion is ever wasted.

But if there’s anything I would tell you, as someone who’s walked through the Grief Valley, is that the time your presence is most needed and most powerful, is in those days and weeks and months and years after the funeral; when most people have withdrawn and the road is most isolating. It is in the countless ordinary moments that follow, when grief sucker punches you and you again feel it all fully.

It’s been four years since I lost my father, and on many days the pain is as present and profound as that first day.

Remind yourself to reach out to people long after the services and memorials have concluded. 

Death is a date in the calendar, but grief is the calendar.


Order John’s book, ‘A Bigger Table’ here.







173 thoughts on “The Grieving Need You Most After the Funeral

    • So I don’t know how to write a comment on here without pressing reply, lol, I couldn’t find where to go.

      But damn, this made me cry and it helps to know that others understand how I feel after my Papá passed. Never had I had someone close to me pass away and never had I had it explained how it is to grieve or the process will last so long. This helps. Thank you! I’m sorry and thank you. This helps.

  1. This is just a message to let all your grieving folks know that Jesus and nonfundie Christian America stand beside you in your grief. Here are a few things that may help you:

    1) Your beloved one did not die because God needed him or her home in Heaven or because it was their God-appointed time to die. God is not a murderer. We humans live in a world where bad things happen. to both bad people and good people.

    2) Grieving is a natural brain process that probably developed through human evolution across a vast expanse of time covering millions of years when family members and friends died much more often than they do today. Trust the grieving process to work its way out. If you lost a spouse or child, it may take as much a 1.5 years or more to begin getting over the worst of it.

    3) You can get help. Your doctor can prescribe antidepressant medication that works really well. Talk therapy works well, and your health insurance company will pay for most of it.

    4) Loving people at a local nonfundie church can extend love and advice to you. Avoid seeking help at Christian fundamentalist and conservative evangelical churches. Why? Fundies think you should be “happy all the time” because of Jesus. Many fundie churches are cruel to people who lose loved ones. One of the standard fundie speeches to grieving people runs something like this:

    “Did you see Mel Gibson’s movie about the passion of Christ? If you did, you will recall how brutally Jesus was treated at the hands of the Roman prison guards. All that blood and whipping—it was really gross!!! Jesus went through all of that misery to pay the price for your sins. He suffered like no human being on this Earth has ever suffered—and all for you. In light of that, how dare you come in here to church this morning in so much pain over something so small and commonplace as a dead relative. You are a child of Christ—so buck up, put a smile on your face, and show it. Besides, if your dead relative was a Christian, she is in Heaven right now, That should make you happy.”

    Yes. I have read complaints from grieving fundies who actually got this heartless, noncaring speech—and an ass kick out the door— from their pastor at a Christian fundamentalist or conservative evangelical church. This might not happen at a Southern Baptist Convention church. It is much more likely to happen at an Independent Fundamental Baptist (IFB) church or another purely fundie church of that ilk.

    Most people inside and outside of the universal church really do care about the grief you are experiencing—and both sympathize and empathize with it.

    • Charles, what a hate filled comment toward churches. Your comment detracts from a beautiful article. You are entitled to your opinion, but this isn’t the place for it.

      • Charles stated ‘Grieving is a natural brain process that probably developed through human evolution across a vast expanse of time covering millions of years when family members and friends died much more often than they do today.” You have to realize he doesn’t know what he is talking about. Everyone dies, and it has nothing to do with evolution. Take what he said with a grain of salt.

          • Okay but the grieving process didn’t evolve. It just is. That guy is so uneducated and bitter. Why bother even replying to his obvious bitterness. He will only keep arguing

        • My daughter died in Jan 2016. One year later I still feel a massive hole in my heart. Ironically one day while at s sports event, I started a conversation up w a lady who was out sitting in the sun, returning phone calls. She looked over at me & said “I just wish people would let me have a vacation!!” I asked what was her profession? She said “Grief Counselor”. I laughed & said “I probably should make an appointment”, then we got to talking. She told me that “Everyone has an expiration date, we just don’t know when it is”.
          It’s been months since I’ve seen that lady but I don’t look at death like she does. I have faith….I do believe that GOD KNOWS THE TIME OF OUR DEATH. We don’t. I don’t like thinking that God is standing back, saying “ok, your time is up!!!!” I’d rather know Him as a God of Love.
          I didn’t have a close relationship with my daughter. Maybe that’s why I’m so sad, and can cry at the drop of a hat.
          Thank you for the article.
          Did you know the title is misspelled ? Thanks

          • I’m sorry for the loss of your daughter. Not having a good relationship complicates your grief. You grieve losing a daughter as well as grieving the close relationship you wished you had.

              • I think the topic sentence means “The grieving”, i.e. those who mourn, need people even more after the funeral is over, as opposed to immediately after the death.

                Debbie C, I’m so sorry about your daughter’s death. I think it’s perfectly normal to be crying at the drop of a hat.
                My mom died almost a year and a half ago and I am certainly not “over it” and don’t plan to be. It hurts like hell. I have to remind myself not to compare my own grief to someone else’s. Sure others have it far worse, but my mom was MY mom!
                Wishing you peace and comfort.

                • I loss my Mom almost a year agp.I took care of her and watched her die from ALS.I miss her before her illness we would be on the phone for hour’s on end.When she moved in with me she could hardly talk.I held her hand,give her kisses and told her she was beautiful everyday.My heart hurt’s a piece of me died with her that day.Her family didn’t come help.But I feel grieving is one if the hardest thing’s I ever had to process and doing it alone has sucked.

          • I believe God does have an appointed time (the Bible says that very idea). It was your daughters whole life. We had a baby die at two months. It was hard, and after 10 years, I stil am sad and could cry even now. But she is in Heaven. That gives me comfort. Your daughter is not thinking about how you treated her or didnt treat her. She is enjoying Heaven. Dont dwell on the relationship, ask God to forgive you and help you, He will. Because of Job in the Bible, I stsrted to give thanks for her death. It was God’s plan for her, gor our family, and the Bible says in everything give thanks. When I started to do that, a burden was lifted. Am I only to he thankful for the food and “things” He gives me? Then, think about how she was a great daughter! When I think about the circumstance with our daughter, I could think (have thought) of all the “should’ve, would’ve, could’ves”, but she is not thinking of any of that. Only I am. So I stop myself and think about where she is, where I am. One day Ill see her again and it will not be about should’ves, it will be reunion day. Grief is real because of the loss, but your daughter is not grieving, she is rejoicing.

              • Yes, eventually you will be able to go on and then, you will be able to help others by your experience.

                If you would think of how your daughter is happy now, and perfect. Your earthly mind cannot conceive what the afterlife is like. Mine neither. That makes me know, I need to be the best I can be for the family I have, the friends I have, etc. You can do that!!

            • My Family had a fight between 2 sisters of mine, And my Father wanted to plan a Birthday Party for my mom knowing the sisters would not come if knowing the other was coming. So he made hand written invites mailed out to all in my family for November 26 at 2;00, it was a 3 wk notice. Well my dad started having heart trouble and was admitted into the hospital a wk after invites went out, He was in the hospital til the day he died, And do you know he dies Nov, 26 at 2;00, So you tell me, How can this happen….He got us all together,it wasnt for the birthday party,,,but we were all together.

          • God does not know the day and time of your death. Things happen. Life accumulates. A reference is Leslie Weatherhead’s The Will of God.

            • Disagree. If you ever read the Bible, it says, “And as it is appointed unto men once to die, but after this the judgment.” (Hebrews 9:27) You can reference anyone you like, everyone has a different take. I’ll reference God, it is His “take” on it that truly, ultimately matters. So, John, that means you have a date for death. It is one appointment you will not be able to cancel.

      • Although normally I would agree with you that all comments have an appropriate time and a place, as I read his comments, I began to appreciate them. I found myself thinking I wish there was a way I could have read this prior to the passing of my father. Unfortunately, what he discribed, was exactly what I endured. I began to believe that somehow I must have been doing not only this grieving thing incorrectly, but my Christian faith as well. During the loss of a loved one, is no time to begin questioning either one of those, I thought I was going to lose my mind and my faith. Perhaps maybe someone, somewhere, needs to read these comments, and Charles was made to be a vessel. Perhaps not your vessel, but someones. I personally saw no hate in anything he said. In fact I have found that when words come from your heart, intended without harm, only love is displayed. Even in love, God did and said so many things that could have been viewed as anything but love. The hateful things came from those who questioned him and his actions.

        • Angela,
          Your response is lovely.

          I have found that religion, faith, etc. have little to do what people may say after a death, meaning well but causing hurt. From what I consider silly, as in “G_d needed another flower in his (sic) garden,” to the above mentioned, “she’s in a better place.” She may be in a place where she is not suffering, but I want her HERE! 🙂

          As a hospital chaplain I’ve learned to let grieving folks express their theological beliefs without questioning them, since these beliefs often give comfort, even if I don’t understand them in the least. Not the time for a theological discussion!

          And Charles, I saw no hate either. Frustration with fundamental Christians, and perhaps some name calling in that way. I live in NC where there are lots of fundamentalists and lots of people who say “there’s a reason for everything,” a phrase I despise. Perhaps they mean it in a different way than I take it.

          John’s blog gives me comfort as a griever, that he knows some of what I feel. I can’t know exactly what he or Debbie C. feel, but I do know our grief is “normal” and needs an outlet. Having people to talk with who get it, really helps!

          Thanks John!!

      • I agree
        The definitions placed upon burdened grievers is most difficult, when the eye of judgment erases compassion. Trauma informed comments lend understanding, whereas opinion without experience causes me to tremble, to duck, and to avoid. Many church based communications attempt to address deep grief cause more harm than good, as they try to hard to seek a certain righteous way that doesn’t fit. Give it up, preachers. If you have to try so hard, you haven’t been there.

      • Katarina, Charles’ comment was not hate-filled, it was reality-filled. He did not condemn all churches, just the fundamentalist ones that would more or less tend to scold you for your grief instead of trying to help you through it in a supportive manner.

        I’ll add another piece to that, too. I just lost my tattooed old hippie sister suddenly in a car accident. She never lived the “picket fence” life, surrounding herself with troubled people that she though she could fix. I am a gay woman. We probably wouldn’t even be allowed in the door at a lot of fundamentalist churches, much less me being helped through the grieving process.

        I am sure, though, that there are many true CHRISTian churches out there that preach and teach what Jesus taught them about loving one another that would welcome my sister and me with welcome arms. I am about to go looking for one.

        Oh, and some of you other people – grief itself has probably not changed, but the grieving processes practiced by human beings, just as their religions themselves, have definitely evolved over time. Don’t let that horrible word, “evolution” scare you, folks.

    • I like what Charles said about the difference in some churches and their approach to death and dying. It’s sad but true that some churches worship the man and not his timeless message.

      • I get a kick out of people who are not in a relationship with Jesus, He is hated, ignored, despised, mocked, yet they do not know the high price He paid so we would not have to be judged by God the Father.
        It is one of the most prized gifts a person could accept, yet most people are without common sense enough to reach out and accept it. See God doesn’t force anyone to love and accept Him. He didn’t want robots, so the only ones who will be in Heaven with Him are those who truly appreciate Him.
        In this life here we choose life or spiritual death, as for me and my house I choose life while it is available.

        • I agree with your comment. We are all terminal. We can’t predict when our time is up or as my son said, game over. I do believe in higher intelligence, and in creation. Everything just doesn’t happen by chance. We are too complex for that. Sometimes our life is cut short because of our stupidity such as drunk driving, where you die or kill someone else. I don’t understand it all, but I do believe my life and time is in God’s hands. God is a God of love. One day we all shall pass from life to life everlasting. If I thought life was over at the time of death, I would feel horrible, like what purpose do we have? God’s will, while we are earth, is to love Him and others. Death is just a step into another world, hopefully God’s world. Without that hope, I would be fearful of dying, but I’m not. Death is sad, in that it is a separation from the ones we love. But, one day, we will meet our loved ones. I am not a judge of churches, for even not all fundies are the same. Not every person is the same. You aren’t a believer because you go to church. It is because you love God, and love others…not in word, but in deed. And, that means, you mourn with those who hurt, and comfort them, especially, after the loss of other ones. We are God’s arms. By the way, my oncologist said time was up almost four years ago. With all the cancer in my body there is no reason I should be alive, except I believe, I will be here until Jesus calls my name. Meanwhile, while alive, I’m living. I grieve not for me, but for my family. I grieve that I will not be able to hug them, fix what is broken in them, and smell the roses. Although life is like a vapor, it is comforting that life will go on.

    • Charles,
      I understand where you are coming from….maybe you are depending on MAN more than you are GOD to help you with your grieving.
      I used to be very active in church over 20 years ago. Moving out of state & never finding another church, busy life in general kept me from going to another church. Then in Jan this past year my daughter died and I’ve felt that HUGE hole in my heart and I feel so alone most of the time, But I’ve also used this time to try to get closer to God because HE HAS NEVER LEFT MY SIDE.

      • Debbie – I heard a pastor say once, that if you no longer felt close to God, it was you who had moved because he will never leave you. It has been a source of comfort for me over the years of waxing and waning in my church attendance…

    • Where did you get your info? I believe if you group people by their fundamental church, then you are implying that all people from that church are the same. Just saying, that sounds the same as being racist.

    • Strange comments, but the strangest is “family members and friends died much more often than they do today.” Hello? Everyone dies.

      • I think he was referring to the fact we have longer lifespans now. 100 years and more ago, it was not unusual for parents to loose several children due to disease or accidents. It was not unusual for a woman to have had several husbands because the previous ones were killed by workplace accidents or disease, or a man may loose 2 or 3 wives from childbirth complications.

    • This is so true my husband died Sept 30th suddenly from a heart attack so many said I will be there for you if you need anything ad a lot have but the others I have not heard one word since the funeral they know I’m handicap and live alone my church and my best friend have been there and my nephew & niece I thank God for them every day Please remember don’t forget people after the funeral that’s when you are really needed

      • I went to a well-attended funeral for a male acquaintance with a large amount of people. The daughter handed each of us a slip of paper with a number from 1 to 31 on it. At the podium during the service she explained the reason. She said “this is the day of the month you will call my mom.” I’ve never forgotten and thought it was such a splendid idea. I’m number 16.

    • Charles You are right on one thing about the IFB but then look who their leader is or some of the Assembly of God churches can but not all are really bad but I am a Christian and I have known really wonderful Christians who have helped as well. I have lost two sons one as an infant and one in an auto accident at 24, I have lost both my parents and the father of my youngest son died. So I have known grief. But I don’t dwell on it but you know… My sister never lost a child she has 4 as did I. When my baby son died, my then husband told me not to cry so I held it in. But it will come out. Then 33 year later when my mother was dying I went up the cemetery where my baby boy had been and my mother was going to be buried right next to him and I cried and cried and cried for the loss of sweet little boy then. My infant son had been born on June 26, he died on June 28 and was buried on July 1. My mother died on June 29 and was buried on July 2 maybe it had to do with the timing that caused this to come out. But I talked to my baby that night what would have been his 33rd birthday and told him his grandma was going to be coming to greet him soon. And my brother who never married a Christian and my sister a christian of the catholic faith thought I was way over the top and didn’t understand it at all. How could they? They had no idea what that kind of grief this is. Thus because of their lack of understanding they were really rather cruel then. Only because they just didn’t understand. But it took 33 years for me to truly
      grieve over my infant son. And then I was at peace. I never talked much about him. I just pushed it down and would help others that had lost someone or tried too and just forgot about my grief and looked outward to helping others which I did in my own way not though some wonderful foundation just personally on a one on one. And I still do. It seemed like God just sent people my way sometimes strangers even well usually they were but not always.
      So I don’t think about my loses who were so dear to my heart all the time but when I do I think of them usually it is very wonderful memories and how happy I got to know them, how they made my life happier and the lessons they taught me and the funny jokes they told or their great quotes all those things and so much more. Yes I was indeed blessed because they were in my life. My infant son didn’t have all that much time for the most part for he was only 2 days old. But he did a lot in his two days. And I cherish that. I won’t go into it, but peoples, not just mine, but friends and neighbors and ministers lives where changed for the good forever. I’ll never forget the minster said “he did more in his short life than most people do in a life time.” and he did. No life, no matter how long, or how short all have a purpose and a reason for being.. And God does make them perfect because we are told that in the Bible. I know that. But thank God I was able to truly grieve the loss of my son even if it took 33 years it seemed like I was taking all those wonderful people that had passed before me that I knew and had a great big grief party with just me and God at that cemetery that night. I bawled my heart heart out And I came away feeling for the first time cleansed. As the song says “It’s for those tears I died.” The one thing I know through it all Jesus loves us and gives us comfort and hope. No he didn’t will this on people. We did it to ourselves he does give free will but he also died so we could have knowledge that if we love him we will be with him and so will our friends and relatives and we will see them again. And though my sister might not have understood what I was going through I miss her too, because in spite of that for she was grieving too she also gave me much joy. She died as well suddenly when she had fast growing brain aneurysm burst while waiting for surgery on it. they tried but could not save her.
      Thank you for writing this article.

    • I disagree with you on this. You are lumping all Christians and churches together. Not all churches treat people this way. You need to be careful in your judgement. You are sharing misinformation.

    • Wow, do you ever have the wrong idea about conservative Christians, which is what I consider myself. I have a friend who recently lost her husband and I would never respond to her the way you described. It’s too bad you know people who have experienced that type of response, but to lump all “fundie” Christians into one group isn’t fair. You painted that picture all wrong.

    • Charles, that’s a bunch of crap. You have no idea what you are talking about. I belong to a Fundamentalist church and I’ve lost both my dad and brother in the last two years. My church is loving and sympathetic. We all know what it’s like to lose someone you love. Please
      don’t spread your hate here.

    • Dear Charles. I’m deeply sorry for our pain and your experience with who you refer to as ‘fundies.’ People from all walks of life say inappropriate things to the grieving. Many times because the don’t comprehend, or haven’t lost. All people are not the same no matter what their walk of life or association with (or without) religion. In my humble opinion, as one who’s had plenty of experience in loss starting with my Mother, at age 9, I find John’s article to be a wonderful piece that speaks to all, and basically is teaching a hands-on compassion to those who may not “know,” or have not “lost,” yet. I hope that those who read what you wrote, won’t be hurt or dismayed by it, or sidetracked from the points in Johns article. We are all fragile humans, “in process” in this life.
      I hope very sincerely, that you will find peace and comfort. I hope you will recognize the compassion-teaching that this man has written, and that you might be able to find some mercy in your heart for those in the human race who haven’t lost and don’t comprehend it yet. Thank you for your time.

    • Charles, thank you so much for your message. I lost both of my Parents on Feb. 17, 2016 in a horrible car accident. They were only 70 and 71 years old. I am a mother of 3 sons and only 46 at the time of this horrific day. I found out about Their accident on Facebook. I was shocked. Then as I was driving from my home about one hour from Their place, I saw someone post a photo of my Parents on Facebook saying “We lost two beautiful people.” Heck I knew there was an accident, I just did not know how bad it was. They were leaving a Wednesday Lent Service at Their church.

      Nothing can prepare a person for this kind of loss. But I want you to know, that the support that has been shown, expressions of love, and prayers from those around me, I have been able to live my Life. It is not as full as it once was when my Awesome Parents were still here on earth. But I rest in knowing that I will one day again see Them face to face in Heaven.

      Anyways Charles, I am deeply grateful for the love of my dear friends and Family. Without them, this past year would have been even more difficult. But with them, I have been able to celebrate the wonderful memories of my Parents. I have a great support system! Praising the Lord of all of this and the fact that my Parents went together. They have a Love that was contagious and I was blessed to have Them here as long as I did. I miss Them dearly but am grateful for EVERYTHING that They blessed me with.

      • Angela, we happen to share a common bond even though we don’t know each other. I (our family)lost our parents together on Christmas Eve. At one point I seriously thought I would NEVER quit crying. The sudden loss of both parents at one time felt so wrong but in God’s perfect plan He knew what was best. They went together. We did not have to stand by their bedside and watch them suffer. I know I will see them again one day. Funny thing – after a counselor gave me permission to cry as long as I needed to – that permission helped me to quit. I still miss them terribly but now I can celebrate their love and cherish their memories.

    • Charles I’m sorry someone calling themselves a Christian has made you so bitter and confused about real Christianity Jesus loves you.

    • Nice list, having been in a “fundie” church I know a few people that are like you described. There are others who don’t have their heads up their butts and are caring people.

      I agree, there are many ways for help out there. Relying on God is great, if that’s your path… but sometimes you need a little more help. Medication, friends, throwing plates… I go to the river and throw rocks in and yell or scream. I’m not hurting anyone or anything, just scaring fish and venting.

      Everyone has their methods of coping, it’s not wrong, it’s just different.

    • Number 3 isn’t true. Insurance? I have found no therapy office that will take Medicare or Tricare. I was told that they would take cash $ at $200. an hour.

    • It was 40 years in Dec that I lost my father in a workplace accident when I was 20.

      You are right….it never completely goes away. Just this past 10-15 years that I can go thru days without thinking of him in some context with almost everything I would be doing.

      Your heart always remembers and it still sneaks out unexpectedly and occasionally I’ll have a really sad day and I’ll go thru my mind trying to figure out why and all of a sudden it dawns on me…’s the anniversary of his death, it would have been mom & dad’s X number anniversary, today would have been his birthday, etc. Once I acknowledge that in my mind, the day goes better.

      Now our mom died a few months ago, so things are a bit more emotional again than they had been for a few years.

  2. Thanks for the reminder to continue to extend love and support to those who grieve even after the funeral. It couldn’t hurt to remember the day someone died or maybe their birthday because next year, and maybe for many years, those days are likely to be difficult for your friend or family member, though they won’t be the only difficult days. My brother died from cancer in September and his birthday is next week. It’s really tough to see that coming and know he’s not here. A hug can do a lot for someone who is hurting.
    I know how you feel. Sending a hug to you John.

    • Not necessarily. It’s been 9 years for me and I HATE getting those emails every year, on the anniversary of her death and on her birthday, with the reminiscing, and the stories, etc. I still can’t make them stop. Everyone is different. But for me, sometimes those days would pass me by without me realizing. In fact, I have a mental block where I still to this day can’t remember the date of the anniversary. If I’m not already thinking about it, I don’t want to be walloped upside the head out of nowhere. You know? It sends me right down the griefhole.

      Maybe ask on a normal day how the person is doing. And find out how they feel about this. Tread lightly.

      • I agree. We do not celebrate our daughter’s death as it was a very sad day for all of us. There are no balloons going up in the air, and we have yet to go to the cemetery after having visited one time after her death and it being a very depressing and sad feeling.

        No one reminds us, of which we are thankful. We have enough reminders throughout our week or month, etc. And it puts me in a depressed mood, not really good for anything or anyone.

  3. I lost my wife 19 years ago and one of my two sons 15 years ago, I have never recovered. My life has been pretty empty ever since. Some company and support would be nice.

    • John, when my daughter died, my new husband has NEVER lent me his shoulder to cry on. I’ll be somewhere walking and the tears will just COME. Or I will be at my business (I’m self employed) and a customer will come in & we will start a conversation & I’ll find out that THEY had lost a loved one, that we both were going through grief. First thing I know we are both crying & leaning on each other.
      I lost both of my dogs and then my daughter. I feel the pain like crazy. I know that friends are always afraid to bring my daughters name up. But it’s helps in healing your heart when you can talk about them. I too feel alone in my grief.

      • I’m so sorry for your trouble. I have. Come to learn unless it happpens to them, it’s not important. I lost my beautiful granddaughter to Sudden Infant Death Syndrome. I should have pulled the plug on my life right there but have my daughter to take care of and her wonderful husband. It was 12 years this Christmas. I’ll never be totally happy again, but I’m one of those fortunate people who have support at home. Friends don’t want to talk about it. That’s just life. And as I say, I feel so badly for you. Take one day as it comes, do things on your schedule and don’t worry about what others think, God bless you.

    • John Barclay, I too lost my son, my only child, he was just 18yrs. old, a friend of his got reckless with a gun. I was 36 so it was like half of my life was gone, I still feel the loss. When I was 46 I lost my husband of 13 & 1/2 yrs., they were both sudden deaths as was my Dad’s when I was 20 yrs. old, each left me feeling like my heart was broken & my life was all about Always Starting Over, the thing is I am 68 yrs. old now & tho I am Glad to be alive, I really do-not know why. All this kind of reminds me of a poem that I once read, I cannot think of the author tho, it went : “There really is no right or wrong only feelings that are strong, life has it”s many twists & turns”… I think we just have to carry-on. I wish I could give you a Hug John, but maybe this will help you a bit… My Best Wishes are for you to feel some Relief from the grief, I find that it comes & goes…

  4. I lost the love of my life in a divorcee. That separation feels like death as well. So much loss. I feel like I am abandoned without an anchor. It’s been difficult because I don’t think I will ever find anyone like her again, who helped me be a better person, love is not always enough.

    • Divorce is a type of death and with is grief as well. I’ve been there done that too. I know something of which you are feeling but betrayal is part of it because you were committed to your marriage and she wasn’t. It is so sad. Will pray for you because maybe you will find a real true love of your life. Clearly she didn’t feel the same. My heart goes out to you.

  5. You are wrong with your opinion on Christian fundamental churches. If you’ve had a bad experience with one, please don’t let your experience speak for all. That is being very judgmental. Some of the most caring and praying people I have known have come from a fundamental church.

  6. John, you speak the truth. What you said about being a couple, is what I have experienced. I lost my husbamd, Steve, just over a year and a half ago. We did almost everything together. He was very gregarious and funny. I played the straight man, setting up his stories and jokes. It is so hard to not have my other half to be with and talk to. Even people we knew most of our adult lives do not know howuch a call, visit or text would mean. Especially hugs. God, I miss his hugs! I do not know how I can keep this up. It’s my job trying to keep so busy that I don’t have to think about it until I go up to that empty bed where we would share all the days happenings. Grief will follow me for all my waking days, I assume.
    How has your mother coped, John?

  7. There are some losses worse than death. For 50 years my wife was a loving companion. Then a seemingly irreversible condition stole her mind and has resulted in my being forced to be her care giver 24 hours a day 7 days a week. I grieve and weep every day over the loss of my beautiful wife. When I finally lay her to rest I know it will be a relief to us both. I will have no more tears to shed nor grief to feel. However, neither will I feel regret for having given her the loving tender care that I promised until “death do us part”.

    • Bless you for being there for her as caregiver. That would be extremely difficult since you are grieving her loss while she is still physically there. Know that while her love for you has been stolen from her mind, it is still in her heart. Though she may not seem to remember who you are, you can still honor her by knowing that she is still the woman you gave your heart to. Best of luck to you!

    • I can relate to your comment. I was a caregiver for my grandmother for 11 years. When she was diagnosed with dementia we talked about her wishes and went on a long journey through that illness. I grieved her loss during those years, there are many little deaths before the final passing. When her soul was free from that failing body there was such relief. I was happy that she was free and that I had the priviledge of being there for her. I was so greatful that she had been there for me. I miss her always with a smile on my face and heart.

  8. There are some losses worse than death. For 50 years my wife was a loving companion. Then a seemingly irreversible condition stole her mind and has resulted in my being forced to be her care giver 24 hours a day 7 days a week. I grieve and weep every day over the loss of my beautiful wife. When I finally lay her to rest I know it will be a relief to us both. I will have no more tears to shed nor grief to feel. However, neither will I feel regret for having given her the loving tender care that I promised until “death do us part”.

  9. Dear John Pavlovitz:

    …grieve as long as you breathe

    I have often told divided, fractious congregations to look around and realize that far more than they could ever imagine, they need the people they see.

    We can never be done with grief. But we can understand joy [not ‘happiness’] as the salve which we rub over the wound of grief. Faith holds both joy and grief with trust in God.


  10. My son and daughter in law died 2 months ago . We’re still devastated. Not much out there to help you cope with grieving, managing estate, caring for grandchildren at the same time. We’re doing our best taking one day at a time.

    • Hi Cheryl,
      When my daughter passed away, my exhusband signed us both up for “Grief Share” which is a daily email “mini counseling session” that’s in your inbox daily. I’ve since learned thru looking at their website that there are free counseling groups at different churches etc that meet weekly . Look up , look at the bottom of the page for where they meet up in your area. I must confess that I went a few times but it seemed that every single person in my group was dealing with someone who committed suicide, & I felt somehow “guilty” that my daughter died from a heart attack.
      Hang in there…..I wish I could tell you that it’s gets better but it’s a roller coaster ride on emotions. Bless you !

    • So sorry for you double loss. No words can make it easier. I’m thankful for you that you have grandchildren, as my daughter died suddenly before having children. Her death was in a foreign country, and the details you speak of, all the after death business, was extremely hard, and the supportive burst at first was over. I handled much detail overseas, alone, and have had much time alone. Sometimes I feel crazy, sometimes blessed to have had so much Love with my firstborn daughter. None of the words can help ease the grief, so I’ll say again anyway, I understand. Hugs to all of you.

  11. Thank you. I lost my husband on January 8, 2017. I have spent much of this week wandering lost our son’s are doing their best to help while lost in their grief. I thought I was prepared because he had been sick for a long time and I am discovering that as much as I was prepared (I thought) I am lost. We had been together for 39 years married for 37 of them I’m happy that he is no longer in pain but I’m lost trying to figure out this new “identity ” I’ve been a wife and mom for over half my life. My friends have lives that they need to get back to and I have a life to figure out.

    • Cherrie, find something to get yourself involved in,so you can be around others… will then find people that are ALSO walking through that valley that we are all in….you’ll find that you are NOT ALONE. Hang in there

    • Cherrie,
      I am sorry for your loss. A friend of mine lost her husband and I see how much pain she is in. I’m praying for you right now. That you will find rest as you heal your broken heart.

    • Hugs. This is a hard time. I’m figuring out a new life too. It can be interesting. I went to Europe alone, and saw amazing places. Since I was alone, I wrote my experiences, which is one way to share what I witnessed. I also met people along the way, very interesting people I wouldn’t have met otherwise. I wish great courage for you in your new endeavors, when you are ready.

    • Oh my, Cherie. You haven’t even hit two months yet, you’re still in the shell-shocked stage…much less figuring out your new identity and purpose for the rest of your life. I’ve been a widow for 10 months. And I don’t mean to discourage you at all, but just so you know it’s normal, it’s harder now than at first. In my reading I’m seeing this is a similar experience for many. I feel for you. I was married to my husband for 36 years, we knew each other almost 40. Have patience with yourself and cut yourself a wide…a veerrryyyy wide swath of grace. The aftermath of this kind of loss has been likened to the experience of PTSD. Functioning well is going to take time.

      Debbie C.

      • It sounds like a mini grief support group here. That’s a good thing.

        Griefshare also has bereavement groups in various churches, the ones I know of are Methodist and Presbyterian, but I’m sure there are others. Bereavement groups can help you realize you are not alone, that someone else knows what you are experiencing. I’ve facilitated some and at times am in awe over how the group takes care of a newly bereaved member.
        I haven’t been part of an online group, but I’m guessing it would be helpful.

  12. I aldo have lost both my parents. But I am grateful for a church that loved me through my grieving. The support that came to me through these dear friends did much to calm my wounded heart. But the real peace in my heart comes from my Heavenly Father and those who share my love for Him. If I had not known deep love for those I lost would not have grieved as deeply as I did. I am so glad I experienced their love.

  13. My sister died 2015, she was younger than me. It was sudden and unexpected I am still grieving loosing her. My dad was ill and turned for the worst suddenly and passed away. All this pain I feel inside. Everyone says that they are in a better place. They are I believe but it does not lessen how I feel. I still miss them and I ache inside. I cry all the time when I am alone. I hope one day I will feel less pain and just think about the good times with them but I know it will never be that easy.

    • When people say thing like that I go blank. I know my daughter didn’t want to die at age 27. She isn’t with us. How can anyone define a “better place?” Death is such a mystery. Defining where the dead are with one believe system limits parameters, attempting to limit grief, which makes no sense to one who cries so deeply that their chest and heart no longer function well. There are no words of comfort. Grief is real, and we feel it. I stare at the surface of water, seeing the contrast of light & dark flashing across, moving, changing. Soon after her death, my daughter showed up on a dark quiet night as an energy force, and revealed to me a brilliant flash of light, as if a black curtain raised in the wind, offering one quick glimpse of where she was going. After that, the only place I see where thousands of souls could be is there, where the changing surface between element worlds reveals a mystery undefined. I am full of wonder at the mystery.

  14. My Grandmother passed away last July, so it’s still pretty fresh in my mind and my Grandfather passed over four years ago and I’m still mourning him, so knowing now that what I feel is normal is a big help. My Mother I don’t think will ever recover as both passings hit her pretty hard since she was never really independent from her parents and now that they’re both gone she doesn’t seem to know how to move on and that makes me sad 🙁

  15. I did not get that God was the subject here. I love God and Jesus but my relationship with Him or Them is just that my relationship so now that that is said mostly because I get so tired of all this social media stuff about God it makes me sick. Do as you want we do have the choice so go to church or dont go to church it is up to you. As far as the grieving I do not think it will ever go away I dont think it should ever go away I loved my Father in Life and I still Love Him I missed him when he went to work and I miss him now I love to talk to him about him, I am and always will be a proud daughter, I spent months watching him go and even knowing it was going to be hard I am like you I was in such shock and so deeply confused by all this that I waited to cry and I still cry 6 years later and I hope I never stop because if I do stop wont it mean that I have forgotten what I miss so much. Having no one to lean on is a bit difficult but it seems to me they always say dont worry things will be okay you will feel better. I think to myself no I wont and no things wont get better as I age more and more of the people in my life are leaving and going on it hurts and I am thankful that it does I have a heart I am Human. It is okay to be sad. However it hurts to think that all of us walking around out there are in some way sad for the same reasons. Love your life and love those who love you never forget.

  16. I am well acquainted with grief. I’ve lost my mother when I was only sixteen, my dad 8 years later. I’ve lost a sister to domestic violence, two of my three brothers. And most recently I’ve lost a granddaughter who was only 14 months old. I agree with what you’ve said about grief and I believe that people really do not understand what a griever needs. I’m glad that I know God personally, or I think these losses would have made me go crazy. I also believe that grief does not just go away. The pain is there, but I think we learn how to live with it. And we also have the decision if we will become angry, or if we will accept this as part of our life. I choose the latter. I am thankful for every day I had with my loved ones I have lost. I wish I had more, but for that I’ll have to wait.

    • Wow… Anne! You are very well acquainted with grief indeed. I agree that people do not understand what the griever needs. I don’t think we know ourselves much of the time either! What we don’t need is for those who we considered our best friends to turn away, and yet I can’t blame them because I know they’re scared. They need help with this too.

      Thank you for sharing your story. It pains me to read of your immense loss in life. I am glad your faith in and relationship with G_d helps you get through the days.

  17. I had a son who was severely disabled (cerebral palsy) and who passed away a couple of weeks ago after at least a year of illness and complications. I understand what William meant. It tears your heart out to watch someone you love die a little piece at a time, all the while you are powerless to do anything to stop it. Our grieving is a little different than someone who was taken suddenly because there is an element of just being relieved, for all of us, that it is over. Then there is the guilt of being relieved. And I still miss him.

    I understand what Charles meant too. I grew up in one of the churches he was talking about. It’s the main reason I haven’t attended a church in over a decade. It is worse than useless to be up in someone’s face, telling them that their loved one is in the arms of Jesus, he is out of pain, blah blah blah. Even if we do believe that (and for the record I do) it does nothing to ease the pain I feel right now. When you try to cheer someone up with this drivel, all it does is tells them that they are not entitled to their grief.

    If you really want to be helpful, respect their grief. A simple “I’m so sorry for your loss” is far more comforting than “You shouldn’t be sad because they are in Heaven now.”

    • Grieve, greive…’s all the same….horrible.
      And I know what you mean about people offering their condolences. What I hate is when they say, well she’s an ANGEL now, looking over you…….REALLY??? No she’s NOT. She’s dead.

          • I started a list of what NOT to say to a Widow. I forgot about the angel comment – I got that one as well.
            My husband died suddenly at work almost 4 years ago when our son was 4.
            People would say “I know how you feel, I’ve lost my Grandmother/Grandfather, or Mother/Father and or DOG!”
            I kid you not – someone said DOG! I can laugh now, but for Goodness sakes, its best to just say “Sorry”.

  18. I want to thank all of you for sharing your experiences here. You have reminded me of how much I have to be thankful for – my siblings, children, grandchildren and husband are all still with me. On the other hand, painful thoughts of losing one of my loved ones come all to often – and you have let me know I need to appreciate every precious moment we have.

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  20. I think each death is a different story. For myself, My mom had Alzheimer’s disease and suffered for years until she fell and broke her hip while the caregiver was watching her she ended up in a comma for almost 2 months an died from an infection where the feeding tube was while in the hospital. I felt little remorse or sorrow at the time she died as she suffered so much for so long, My dad on the other hand had a heart attack and was gone’ instantly six years later. It took a year or more to get relief of his death and still it bothers me. I loved the parents both the same but the way they each died affected me so differently and sometimes I feel guilty that I didn’t grieve more for my mom but honestly thought she was finally at peace.

  21. Please correct your title!! It is so bad I could not read the article……’the grieving need you most after the funeral?!!!’ What are you trying to say?

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  23. My motherdied when I was fifteen. And much like you say, we were surrounded by food, condolences, and support, as often as people were able. I was in complete shock, but in my haze I still heard people whispering about what a brave young woman I was.

    It wasn’t bravery. It was complete, mind nubing shock.

    My mother died without warning. One day she was there, the next she was gone. Forever.

    Once the activities of planning for, and going through with the funeral were over, people were few and far between.

    Don’t get me wrong, I had support throughout my remaining teen years (although not from my father because he was lost in his own grief), but those days right after everything was put to rest were unbearable.

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  26. There is nothing that can replace the absence of someone dear to us, and one should not even attempt to do so. One must simply hold out and endure it. At first that sounds very hard, but at the same time it is also a great comfort. For to the extent the emptiness truly remains unfilled one remains connected to the other person through it. It is wrong to say that God fills the emptiness. God in no way fills it but much more leaves it precisely unfilled and thus helps us preserve — even in pain — the authentic relationship. Further more, the more beautiful and full the remembrances, the more difficult the separation. But gratitude transforms the torment of memory into silent joy. One bears what was lovely in the past not as a thorn but as a precious gift deep within, a hidden treasure of which one can always be certain.
    Dietrich Bonhoeffer

    • To Dietrich Bonhoeffer: Thank you for sharing you comforting thoughts. I have been grieving deeply the death of my husband of 40 years, for 6 years now. I keep going thru all the stages of grief in a crazy endless circle & existing in a lonely empty life. Your statement that gratitude transforms the torment of memory into silent joy; & as you explain further, has given me hope that I can become aware & find purpose in my life again. HUGS OF HOPE FOR INNER PEACE – Kathryn Roberts

  27. THIS a thousand times over. I lost my mom in 2013, and I have been through things that I never thought existed. And I’ve been alone in 99% of it. I don’t suppose that I will ever be ‘over’ grieving – it has permanently changed me as it does most of us. And I’ve learned that those that haven’t experienced the dark roller coaster just have no clue that it even exists – that’s how I was before she passed. People also don’t know that prolonged grieving can actually affect your neurotransmitters which causes another set of issues; physical, mental and emotional. I wrote a couple blogs about this myself (and will probably do a couple more): and Thanks for sharing this.

  28. Wonderful description of grief and mourning! My husband died 5 years ago and I still miss him each day that goes by. I don’t break down into tears, but my eyes still can get moist at times. And our daughters don’t understand why I still miss him so much. They miss him obviously, but they don’t understand where I am. We were together for over 41 years and I have many memories that do help to comfort me.
    I was extremely close to my maternal grandfather and the feeling was totally mutual. When he died back in 1963 I was devastated. Today I can still get emotional thinking about him. When you truly love some unconditionally and the feeling is mutual, that love doesn’t die and disappear ever.

  29. My Mom died almost three months ago, suddenly, and I didn’t get to say goodbye or tell her how much I truly loved her or hang out together at a Christmas games party I missed, due to my stupid job as a nurse! I’m deeply sad, some days are worse than others. I get up and face the day, but when alone, tears are coming – I KNOW she is with our Heavenly Father and that feels amazing, but I miss her sooooo much!

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  31. John, this article was shared with me by my sister in law. I appreciate you speaking on this topic so much. I wrote a book about how to “come alongside” others in their time of need – grief, divorce, cancer, illness etc. And I resonate with what you write here. I refer to it as “keep remembering” The book is called Alongside: A Practical Guide for Loving your Neighbor in their Time of Trial. I’d love to send you a copy (but you can find it on amazon, B&N, BAM etc) if you want to email me at Bless you for writing this much needed #word. And I agree wholeheartedly.

  32. I have had a great deal of loss from friends and family recently. I’ve combed through the original post and these comments, and all I read is how hard it is. Can someone please share an experience that went well, or share what would have helped to provide inspiration and guidance to those of us that would like to help but feel helpless? Being there for the funeral is important, I fully understand. Having lost both of my parents, one suddenly, one after a long, drawn-out illness, I remember relying on family and close friends to provide comfort. But I come from a giant family, so I am at a loss for how to reach out to and support folks who don’t have the level of support I had available to me. This is very real, as I have seen 3 deaths in March alone, and I am at a complete loss how to “be there”. Does anyone have some suggestions on the right way to support our friends/family experiencing grief? I will admit that I feel this is a delicate task. I lost a close aunt a couple weeks ago, and took the day off to be with my cousins after the funeral, hoping to have some fellowship and time of “remembering” my aunt, with the hopes of connecting for closer support in the coming weeks/months. I quickly learned this was the LAST thing my cousins wanted that day. All they wanted to do was go home and rest after all the planning and all the festivities. Of course I asked, “let me know what I can do…how I can help”. I felt like my overtures were perceived as overstepping (yikes!). Does anyone have some suggestions how to really help without overstepping? Please share if you had a positive response from a friend/family member that brought true comfort in this terrible time of need so we can all learn from your example. Thanks!

    • For us, we just had too many people coming over at the beginning. It took our minds off of the death for awhile but we were recounting to every single person that came or called what happened. It was overwhelming for us. We went out of town for a few days.

      Since then, there have been people close to us who have lost loved ones. We usually take them over some food, but then, back away. A week later or so later, we call them up. I think it might be good to take that person out for coffee or to an activity that you know they like to do (but maybe didn’t do with the deceased) or giving them a call after things have settled down. The funeral arrangements, etc., are so time consuming and one doesn’t really have time to mourn. When they are sad, it is usually when they are at home alone. Mourning is natural, yet too much time alone can lead to depression. The more the family member starts to get involved in things again, the pain is less. The sadness will still be there, but they will be able to get through a day maybe without crying so much. Going out for lunch, coffee, getting a manicure (if it is a woman), every little act of kindness is so very helpful – you just don’t want to be overbearing or like you said, overstepping.

      • Thank you RR for the thoughtful response! In addition to this advice, I am hoping to hear from someone who was cared for well in their grief, and what that looked like so I can leverage your wisdom. For me, when I lost my mother (40 years ago), I felt like everyone was avoiding the elephant in the room, and everyone was staring at me with a somber look everywhere I went. After that experience, I try not to do this. I don’t know of a “good way” to do what Mr. Pavlovitz suggests, since he does not offer any suggestions. Surely the readers on this blog can share a story that shows what it looks like when someone “gets it right” when it comes to caring for those suffering with grief. I could really use some tangible examples of what worked. Thanks!

        • I lost my sister suddenly last summer. I have a friend who also has experienced loss- it has naturally bonded us. She offers a listening ear and never once has she claimed to know exactly how I feel- her grief experience is different) but she has never been afraid to ask me how I’m doing with my own grieving? She leaves her questions open ended and allows me to decide how much I share/ discuss how I’m feeling. Some days I feel like talking, others the grief is less present so it is quicker, but I always know she is there is listen and that I can too bring it up. Talking about our grief has become just one of the many things we talk about, which I so appreciate.

          As far as concrete advice on how to he,p someone… Ask about the grief. Offer to provide a meal (one of my friends brought a meal overon a particularly hard day which was weeks after my sisters death. I had a friend help me with weeding my garden (or you could offer to help with other daily chores).

          Whatever you do and however you provide support, will be appreciated!

          • Yana
            I lost my husband a year and a half ago and tell me
            Time will heal your grieve but it’s not true for me the more days pass by the deeper wound I cry all the time he was my love he was my life and nothing will help me to overcome my Grieve

  33. It will be three years on May 12th that I lost my dad to a sudden and quick illness. He had battled polio as a teenager in the 40’s, scarlet fever a year after that, survived being behind enemy lines in The Korean Conflict in 1950-51, being exposed to asbestos through multiple jobs, and then survived stage 4.5 prostate cancer that the doctors told him would kill him with-in 3 to 4 years. 13 years after that diagnosis, some strange, unfounded lung problem took his life in a matter of 8 days. I am married with a young 20’s daughter, and my wedding and her birth were and are very important days in my life, but the best day/night of my life, was my dad’s last night here on earth. I got to spend it just with him. Dinner, watching baseball and hockey playoffs, stories about when I was little and the travels for hockey and family after I was an adult. Those last 24 hours of my dad’s life got me through the funeral and for a little while after. You see, I am an only child, blood wise to my parents, but they raised 4 other children also. They also took my friends into their hearts as their kids. So, having that time with him, just me, was so very important to me and very precious. I read about hockey, or watch a movie we used to watch when I was a kid, I want to call him and gab about it, but then I remember, oh man, I can’t call dad. That is when the knife in the heart hurt and grief hit. John, thank you for this article. At a time I am really hurting, it came up on my facebook feed. God sends us angels in many different forms to help us through our hard times, and today, you were His angel to me.

    • John, your blog/story has me realizing, I am gonna be ok. It is normal to want to call my Parents. Both of my Parents were killed in a horrible car crash on Feb. 17th of 2016. My heart will never be the same. Thank you!

  34. As almost every time when I read something you wrote, I find myself nodding and thinking, *that* is how you put this into words….
    I have a lot of experience with grief, starting at the age of 9. My entire life I lost a member of my family almost every year. The loss of my parents had the biggest impact of all. The pain will never ever go away, it becomes part of you. You carry it with you every day. This gaping hole inside of you is never going to close. You sort of learn to live with the pain.

  35. I wish I could take credit for writing this, but I found it on Reddit several years ago, and have loved it since then. It describes grief perfectly. I hope it brings anyone reading it comfort. From Anonymous: “Alright, here goes. I’m old. What that means is that I’ve survived (so far) and a lot of people I’ve known and loved did not. I’ve lost friends, best friends, acquaintances, co-workers, grandparents, mom, relatives, teachers, mentors, students, neighbors, and a host of other folks. I have no children, and I can’t imagine the pain it must be to lose a child. But here’s my two cents.
    I wish I could say you get used to people dying. I never did. I don’t want to. It tears a hole through me whenever somebody I love dies, no matter the circumstances. But I don’t want it to “not matter”. I don’t want it to be something that just passes. My scars are a testament to the love and the relationship that I had for and with that person. And if the scar is deep, so was the love. So be it. Scars are a testament to life. Scars are a testament that I can love deeply and live deeply and be cut, or even gouged, and that I can heal and continue to live and continue to love. And the scar tissue is stronger than the original flesh ever was. Scars are a testament to life. Scars are only ugly to people who can’t see.
    As for grief, you’ll find it comes in waves. When the ship is first wrecked, you’re drowning, with wreckage all around you. Everything floating around you reminds you of the beauty and the magnificence of the ship that was, and is no more. And all you can do is float. You find some piece of the wreckage and you hang on for a while. Maybe it’s some physical thing. Maybe it’s a happy memory or a photograph. Maybe it’s a person who is also floating. For a while, all you can do is float. Stay alive. In the beginning, the waves are 100 feet tall and crash over you without mercy. They come 10 seconds apart and don’t even give you time to catch your breath. All you can do is hang on and float. After a while, maybe weeks, maybe months, you’ll find the waves are still 100 feet tall, but they come further apart. When they come, they still crash all over you and wipe you out. But in between, you can breathe, you can function. You never know what’s going to trigger the grief. It might be a song, a picture, a street intersection, the smell of a cup of coffee. It can be just about anything…and the wave comes crashing. But in between waves, there is life.
    Somewhere down the line, and it’s different for everybody, you find that the waves are only 80 feet tall. Or 50 feet tall. And while they still come, they come further apart. You can see them coming. An anniversary, a birthday, or Christmas, or landing at O’Hare. You can see it coming, for the most part, and prepare yourself. And when it washes over you, you know that somehow you will, again, come out the other side. Soaking wet, sputtering, still hanging on to some tiny piece of the wreckage, but you’ll come out.
    Take it from an old guy. The waves never stop coming, and somehow you don’t really want them to. But you learn that you’ll survive them. And other waves will come. And you’ll survive them too. If you’re lucky, you’ll have lots of scars from lots of loves. And lots of shipwrecks.”

  36. Pingback: After A Year

  37. ” It is in the countless ordinary moments that follow, when grief sucker punches you and you again feel it all fully.”

    I call this “Turning a corner and tripping over Death”. I lost my mother 10 years ago….I’m still turning corners….and still tripping over Death”.

  38. I’m coming up on four years this month since we lost our Dad as well. This hit the nail on the head, and serves as a great reminder for me to be present for my friends much after. Thank you for the brilliance…your ending line sums it up beautifully. Grief is the calendar.

    You and your words are appreciated.

  39. My husband has only been gone 4 months and tears come every day and I’ve lost part of my heart. I will always miss him and my house
    is so empty and that also causes tears. Pictures, memories, music and stories all bring tears. I never knew it would be this sad for so long and know my saddness will never leave me. I’ve been told not to be lonely but go out and find people and things to do but it will always be alone, without him. I can’t go to New Years Eve parties or Valentines day dinners alone when everyone is kidding in the new years and I don’t have his warm lips anymore. That will never leave me. Memories only make it harder, remembering the fun, love and
    closeness we had. That will never leave me!!

    • I’m sorry for your loss, I lost mine 3 years ago, and it still hurts!! Valentines is bad for me as well, because its also my birthday. It never goes away, at least it hasn’t in my case.. some days I cry like it happened last week, other days, I laugh at memories, but I can say, I didn’t think I would make it when it happened, the pain was so bad it felt physical, but here I still am. I pray for your comfort.

  40. I’m the caregiver for my Mom who has Dementia and I now understand why it is called the long goodbye. You watch your loved one slowly get worse and worse and maybe after about 8 to 10 years they die and you start the actual grieving process but you’ve been building up to this for years.

  41. Anticipatory grief. Before their death you lose bits and pieces of them. My husband had mixed dementia, dementia and Alzheimer’s for 3 years before he died of renal cancer that had spread to his lungs and large tumor on his spine. Received that diagnosis and was gone 6 weeks later. My grief is at a different place than some due to the changes in my marriage and our relationship that we went through before he died. His loss has been much more devastating than the loss of both of my parents, we were married for 38 years. I have suffered with depression off and on all my life the ” Fundies think you should be “happy all the time” because of Jesus”. Was the way I was treated by Pentecostals and by Southern Baptists.

  42. Pingback: A heartfelt and illuminating discussion about grief.

  43. Omg.. the 3 year anniversary of my spouses death just passed, and this part “mistake your visible stability for the absence of need, as if the fact that you’re functioning in public doesn’t mean you don’t fall apart all the time when you’re alone—and you do.”… I was 5 months pregnant when he died and our oldest had just turned 5. I function because I have to, because I am still their mother, and I still have to take care of them to the best of my ability, but when they sleep, or visit grandma.. is when I have my time alone, and I still grieve and cry and get angry, but in hindsight, it’s also my time to pray about what has come from this tragic time in our lives.

  44. My problem… My son has been missing for 2 years now. He wanted to take his life and not be found because he felt he was a burden. I’m pretty sure he jumped Niagara Falls. This is where I live. Ambiguous Loss is harder then a “normal” grief. I have no closure, no funeral, nothing. My grief is everyday when I wake up until my eyes close at night. Even then I dream about my son. No one knows what to say to me. I don’t even know how to live…..:-(

  45. I agree but his last line I can’t agree with. Grief is process that must be walked through, it gets you to a new state of being and allows the wound to heal. Post grief is an awareness state in which you can miss the person, miss the relationship but be OK and not relive the emergent state of present grief. If your grief wounds are still so raw 4 years later you need help. Bioenergetics can help stabilize that. I have worked with numerous clients and seen the shifts. I have been through grief with both my parents. Staying stuck in the rawness is not the only option.

  46. Pingback: Have a Restful Weekend - So About What I Said

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