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A Pastor Exposes the Gay PRIDE Agenda

I’ve long heard rumors of the LGBTQ community’s insidious master plan to contaminate and corrupt our sweet cisgender heterosexual setup here on planet earth, and I decided I’d get to the bottom of it once and for all.

I’ve been a pastor in the local church for the past 25 years: listening, counseling, observing carefully. I’ve served at house churches and mega churches, at ones with pipe organs and ones with Marshall stacks, churches with wooden pews and ones with coffee bars.

This vast and lengthy resume has given me unprecedented behind-the-scenes access and close proximity to the hidden lives of tens of thousands of unsuspecting families. During that time, I’ve done some covert reconnaissance on our behalf and the raw, naked truth I’ve uncovered? Well, it’s a game-changer, to say the least.

I’m afraid that the horror stories you’ve heard on Conservative podcasts and in Right-wing TV reports and on Republican Twitter and in incendiary Sunday sermons are all-too true:

The Gay PRIDE Agenda is very, very real.

I feel the weight of responsibility to expose this truth; not to frighten you (though it certainly will) but to help arm you with the best plan of attack in the face of it. This list is by no means exhaustive mind you, but it will give you a good working understanding of the imminent, horrible menace threatening our cozy straight existence, even as you read these very words.

As much as I’ve been able to ascertain based on my research, the Gay PRIDE Agenda is this:

LGBTQ people want to work. They seem to enjoy careers; searching to discover them, studying to prepare for them, honing their craft to develop them, using their gifts and talents to nurture and expand them. In related matters, as unbelievable as it seems, they also apparently appear to get personal satisfaction from being employed, from working hard, from supporting their families financially, and from contributing to the global economy.

LGBTQ people want to buy stuff. Taking part in said global economy, they have a love for commerce and material goods that appears quite similar to our own. They like to purchase things; things like cars and lawnmowers and patio furniture and Apple products and even homes. Then, they enjoy going out to shop for stuff to put in those homes. They do so, both in person and online. LGBTQ people currently use all the same stores we straight people do (though like us, they rarely admit to shopping at Wal-Mart, either).

LGBTQ people want to eat. They enjoy shopping for, preparing, and consuming food of all varieties, gay and otherwise. While they sometimes conveniently and mercifully do this in the privacy of their own homes, they will at times have the stratospheric nerve to venture out to local public eating establishments where they can order and pay for food that someone else made. They seem to be quite fine with straight people doing this as well.

LGBTQ people want to go to church and worship God. Well, some of them, anyway. Contrary to popular belief, just like us straight folk many of them would also prefer to stay home all Sunday morning in their underwear eating cold pizza and watching football pre game shows. Others though, believe in God and as a result feel compelled to attend local area houses of worship and faith communities. While there, they brazenly insist on doing all the “straight” religious stuff: praying, singing, giving, reflecting, playing Wordle during the longer sermons. They apparently somehow feel as though worshiping God is a queer community option.

LGBTQ people want families. They don’t just want families (as frightening as that in itself is, they actually have them); spouses, partners, siblings, parents, children, cousins, weird uncles who smell like Cheetos and tell the same story every holiday about the time they thought they saw Bill Murray at the dog show. (It wasn’t incidentally, it was just an oversized labradoodle that resembled Murray). They insist on doing lots of “straight family” things, like going on vacations, to high school basketball games, to movies, to the park. They invite other families over to grill food, play in their backyards, sit on the front porches, and play with their non-Bill Murray-resembling dogs.

LGBTQ people want to create. Apparently gay+ folks have Muses too. They write songs, they paint and draw, they design bridges and buildings, and write novels and they scrapbook and microbrew beer and create LEGO cities and say it’s “for the kids.” They do all sorts of stuff that cis-hetero people do with their hands, minds, hearts, bodies, and voices, as they are inspired to—and they seem to believe that somehow all this “gay creativity” actually enriches the world. The gall.

LGBTQ people want to feel, fully. Shockingly, they claim to crave the same human interactions that we do. They aspire to tell stories, to tell Dad jokes, to remember and dream and show affection and fall in love and break-up and grieve a loved one’s passing and share a life-giving conversation with a friend over coffee. They dare to visit sick people in the hospital and reconnect with a childhood friend on social media and get really pissed at that guy who cuts into their lane at the last second even though he totally saw everybody merging over, three miles ago.

So, there you have it brothers and sisters: working, buying stuff, eating, worshiping God, not worshiping God, having families, creating, feeling. That’s the encroaching evil we’re up against here.

(Oh yeah, one more thing: it seems the LGBTQ people would like to work, study, create, shop, worship, feel, and love without being emotionally, physically, and legislatively attacked at every turn by phobic Christians who believe someone else’s body, relationship, marriage, kids, or bedroom is somehow their business.)

If I had more time, I’d go into gory detail about some other key, vile, dangerous components of the Gay PRIDE Agenda: to vote, pay taxes, take their kids to the dentist, binge watch Stranger Things, hold grudges, forgive, have health insurance, get haircuts, regret haircuts, fart and blame someone else, sing Karaoke, volunteer, throw-up on roller coasters, shop at Trader Joes, have weddings, go to weddings, avoid weddings, and watch Encanto with their toddler… again.

For now though, at the very least I’ve hopefully given you enough to know the devious, crafty, cunning enemy and what they’re up to.

In the face of the clear horror I’ve detailed for you here, you can now pray and reflect on and discuss together, your next move to adequately fight the Code Level Red threat of the Gay PRIDE Agenda.

To quote the old Saturday morning sages: “The more you know…”

Be strong and courageous, true believer.

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