I heard former NFL coach Herm Edwards say these words in passing, while talking on a syndicated radio show over a year ago and they’ve been tattooed on my brain ever since.
I’ve spent nearly the last two decades ministering to students and children, and with age has come the sobering realization that I’m not just pastoring them, I’m pastoring their parents… or at least, I should be.
It would be foolish to think that I could do anything with 1 hour a week, to significantly change the path of a young person’s life, while ignoring the people who shape, nurture, and guide them the other 167 hours. More than ever, as I interact with students, my mind and heart are on those true pastors; on you, their parents.
So, Moms and Dads; in light of Coach Edward’s weighty words, these are some pretty audacious questions to stop and ask ourselves today, in the middle of the pile of ordinary, mundane stuff on our already tipping, overcrowded plates:
Am I a parent worth picking?
Does my body of work as the caretaker of my children’s lives, merit me keeping the job?
If my kids could choose their parents, am I “choose-able”?
To be clear, I’m not talking about being a likeable parent. I’m not talking about being the parent our children would choose now, but given the benefit of looking back as adults, am I giving them a childhood worth repeating, (or would I be fired retroactively)?
As difficult as these questions are to face, even more frustrating is the reality that the answers are so elusive, so fluid. There isn’t really anything quantifiable or consistent we can point to; it’s really a gut thing.
Moms and Dads, I’m asking you to do a gut check.
Consider your words, how you spend your time, how you express affection, how you distribute discipline, how you respond to conflict, and realize that the sum total of these things is the parental legacy you’re building every second.
This isn’t really a post meant to give you much in the way of parenting how-to’s, or to provide you with a cute, downloadable checklist to ensure your children will look back on these days and be grateful.
I simply want to challenge you to try to step into the shoes of your toddler, your Middle Schooler, your High School Junior and ask, “What’s it like to be my kid?”
Because the truth is, your children didn’t get to pick you. They have the parents whose lives they happened to drop, upside-down into. They inherited you.
Now, you might be saying to yourself, “I didn’t get to pick my kids either, pal.”, but if I understand my Biology correctly at all, you had a heck of a lot more of a say in them showing-up than they did.
At worst, you had a 9-month head start on your kids, (not to mention the two or three decades that preceded that) so it’s your job to make the place they spend their childhood, a place they will want to revisit as adults, more often than they will want to run from it.
So, what makes parents choose-able?
There’s no foolproof, can’t miss, magic bullet secret to this parenting thing. (If there was, I’d patent it, package it, and sell it at the bottom of this piece).
However, if there’s one measurable, tangible thing that you can hang your hat on, I would contend that it’s Presence. My 9-year old and I have a relationship that I know matters deeply to him. Recently my wife asked him why Dad is so special to him, and he said, “He spends time with me. He’s always around. Lots of other Dads aren’t around.”
I’m present as often as humanly possible for my children, so that my voice is a steady, stable constant in their lives. It’s the soundtrack of consistency and real love, always playing the background of all that they experience.
I want my connection to my kids, to be a powerful thread that runs through the millions of memories they have; one that endures, and one that feels like home.
My hope is that as adults, my children will want to replay all of these countless moments and relive these memories over and over again, and in so doing, will choose me as their Dad every time.
Mom and Dads, as much as you are able to, may you be parents worth picking.
